Teenage Veracity

cutting you

I think one of the hardest things to do in this world is to cut off a friend. How are you going to do it? Especially when your vows to each other break all marriage vows of all couples. There is just something different between friendship and romantic relationships. Somehow, friendship is deeper, stronger, and harder.

Well, our friendship is pointless. But we established a contract of friendship. We began suddenly and ended silently. She didn't know, and I don't have any plans to let her know. I'll just let the universe handle it.

You know, when you're young, you always make yourself open and available to the people around you because you want them to like you. You want a lot of friends because having lots of them means you are good and normal. That's how I got her. I just let my door wide open and let her come in.

We've been great. But now I don't know what's going on between us. Or should I say I don't know what's going on with me? Well, I should've closed the door.

As the months went by, I decided to take off my blindfold and see right in her eyes how I'm becoming a person I don't recognize. She put an influence on me that I've tried to adapt to, and I did like it momentarily, but it cost me my true self. She painted me colors that made me feel dull.

In all honesty, I am not myself when I'm with her. Every time we are together, I always play a scripted version of myself because I feel like that's what she'll like. And she did like it. And at some point, I liked that she liked it. During our best times, I always made efforts to keep her liking me. I regret it because now I must live up to my words and actions to satisfy her. It's all about satisfying her.

She is too much, and I am no one. We live in a very different world, and I have no idea how we ended up being friends. 

I am a girl of my words, but not to this person who never makes me feel positive things but only inferiority. I felt inferior whenever we were together. I keep on playing forced laughs, fake personalities, constrained thoughts, and careful words. 

I always find a button to click to forward time whenever I'm with her. She is not giving me half the attention I gave her because she is busy playing her own role. I feel alone even when we're talking. I feel sad when we're hanging out. I feel like I'm dying as I continue to live up to her expectations of me.

I feel like she is subtly coercing me to be the person that she wants for her world to go according to her likeness. She makes me feel like I'm not enough. She laughs at my mistakes. She jokes about my imperfections. And worst of all, she makes fun of my dreams. She wants me to be like her, and I will never want to be like her.

She is really selfish. She loves manipulating people, including me. She will never realize that she is in the wrong. She will never realize that she is the problem because people like her. They are all about her because she has that power. She's pretty and smart. She can fake goodness and laugh. She's the best at collecting people to put a string on them to make them feel how important she is.

But I'm tired of roleplay. I am not meant to be an actress. It's draining me, and she is not filling me up. She is always about herself, and she wants me to do the same—not to myself but to herself. It's the high maintenance she wants and it's the simple life I need.

Still, she thinks that we're okay. At some point, we still considered each other friends. She tells me things, and I still do tell her things, though not daily. I made a move, though. A kind of move that separates me from her. I spend less time with her. I talk less with her. I interact less with her. I can say our friendship is not the same anymore, but the exhausting part is that we still consider each other friends. But I don't want to be her friend anymore. How can I do that?

I don't want to eat my guilt every time I think about her because it burdens me to think about how she would feel if I walked away. But why am I even guilty? I did nothing wrong. As defensive as it sounds, I am just trying to save myself from her. 

If my emotional stability goes like the buzz in the hospital monitor whenever I'm around her, then I think it's acceptable to feel this way. Is it? If she is not healthy for me, why should I give her a part of me? But I can't entirely cut her off. Why can't I cut her off?

You know when you know that this person is bad for you, but you still accept that person in your life because, despite the emotional suffering you've experienced from that person, you both still shared wonderful and memorable moments together. You are neglecting the choice of cutting that person off even though you hold the great power to do so because, between you and that person, you understand better. Between me and her, I love her better.

I understand that she is just a human. Her personality is not so rotten that she doesn't know how to love. I do believe she loves me, though. However, she loved me based on the concept of love she knew, and she doesn't know the proper concept of love because she was deprived of it when she was young. I want to blame the circumstances that made her a narcissist. That's why I chose to understand, because the way the person treats you is not based on who you are but on who they are.

But I love myself, though not that much, and I have enough love within me to never let myself be painted by someone who never understands my colors.