Teenage Veracity

i wonder

Will someone ever love me?

Love. A word a youngster like me should never bother thinking about. But I'm thinking about it. What can I do? 

What can you do? People grow up. I'll grow up someday. People get married. I'll get married someday, or not. I can't be too sure. Nobody likes to pick stinky flowers like me. But I wonder. I wonder if someone will ever love me for the stink inside me.

It's a weird thing, falling in love. A kind of weird thing that I never experienced, and I don't want to experience it, but somehow I want to experience it. 

I know it is a weird thing, but it is a beautiful thing. Enchanting. Exhilarating. For some, it is foolishness. No wonder a lot of us settle for convenience rather than feeling deeply. I want to feel deeply. But I can't experience it if nobody falls in love with me.

I never experienced falling in love, but songs, books, movies, and people taught me a lot. Some were messy, but some were magical. I chose to have the magical thing I often find in books and movies. 

The standards of love are as high as the stars. I'm like a corpse flower closing in on withering, but I set an impossible standard that no one can reach. Who can reach the stars? No one. But I still wonder if someone will try to reach the stars to get me.

I wonder if someone will appreciate me. I am neither pretty nor kind. I'm just ordinary, not special. I don't have a body that's worth it. I'm brainless unless I work hard on it, but I've got to say I'm too late to do academic repentance, so basically I'm brainless. I have no talent that shimmers. I am just a plain girl who hates going out.

I laugh out loud; it's annoying. My walk is funny. My morning face is questionable. I have a lot of scars, both outside and mostly inside. I am unfortunately poor. I am not popular. There are not a lot of girls like me, especially boys. I have disappointing tastes in fashion. I don't know how to dress myself. I'm lazy, but I hate lazy people. I'm always looking for attention. I judge a lot, but I hate to be judged. I want to be loved, but I don't know how to love. I'm weird.

I wonder if someone will be happy to death to have me. I'm all swinging with my moods, absentmindedly. I am sadder and more irritated than happy and calm. I've got multiple and complicated personalities, which makes someone wonder who's the real me. I hate socializing; people exhaust me. I am boring, but I'm easily bored. I can slam my door on you without giving you an explanation. But I'll open it a month later, after I've recovered.

Sometimes I need you; most times I don't. Selfishness is in my bones. I am fake and pretentious. I'm unstable; everything in me. I don't know who I am; I'm still figuring it out. Sometimes I'm dramatic; most times I'm overreacting. I make up stories. I'm a people-pleaser. But I hate people.

I wonder if someone will fall in love with me. I've got a lot of insecurities that won't ever fade. I am as sensitive as an orchid. It will take years for me to be vulnerable around you—maybe ten or never. I don't want anyone to hear my real thoughts. I'm not going to tell you. Never. I have secrets buried in me, but you won't ever know until the day you're buried.

I have a lot of things inside me that are only visible once I open up; most of these are dark. So, I wonder if someone will ever fall in love with me.

Someone who'll get scared if he loses me. Someone who doesn't want to lose me. Someone who lives loves me despite my ugliness and flaws. Someone who will be proud of me. Someone who will support all my weird plans and accomplishments. Someone who'll get crazy thinking about me. Someone who will take care of me because he loves me so much. Someone who will fall for my face when my face is nothing special. Someone who will fall for my personality when my personality is rotten. Someone who will choose me over and over again despite being surrounded by beautiful and remarkable girls. Someone who plans a future where I fit perfectly every year and all the years. Someone who will look at me with adoration, love, and beauty, always, despite the chaos we're in. Someone who will make me feel like I'm the only one who matters. Is there someone? Is there going to be someone?

There are a lot of girls who are beautiful, kind, cool, intelligent, humorous, talented, mature, stable, adventurous, fun, creative, and way more special than me, so I wonder if someone will ever choose me and settle for me. Because I don't belong to those girls.

I don't belong to those girls, but I want to know how forever will be with someone, even though I know that forever doesn't exist. But we can pretend. It must be nice. It must be nice. There are a lot of unforeseeable factors that can stir the flow of love, but it must be nice to have someone who will be with you to dance with those factors.