happiness & hurting

until death do us part

"from now on, im gonna pour every ounce of my soul into a piece of writing. and ill start here. right now, im going through some hard times. not as hard as what ive been through previously, or as hard as what some others are going through. but its still hard. im in the midst of a civil war. & the war is between my head, and my heart. my head says ' go on and be strong ' my heart says ' i cant just go on. i care far to much to be 'strong'. this love is stronger than my will to give you up '. im torn between loathing & loving you. youre utterly perfect. you make me smile without even trying. just seeing you smiling at something i said, makes me smile more than you'd ever realize. youve got under my skin. and idk why. but for some reason, my fragile ole heart chose you. ive had so many opportunities to move on. i wont deny it. i shouldve moved on when you said goodbye. but for some reason i stayed. and dealt with all of this stress, just so i could sleep at night knowing you werent in pain. im always there to catch you, i dont even really try. i came so close to moving on. i really started to try, and for the first time in forever, i saw a shred of light. i saw some light shine on my dark heart & i realized one thing that was true. the dark heart wasnt because of me, nor was it because of you. it was from all the pain and anger ive held on to for so so long. i left all the pain behind, in 2014. as well as all that boiling anger that should no longer steam. that dark heart of mine is full of light now, but the one thing that makes the two hearts alike, is that its still fragile and somewhat broken. its still in the process of putting itself back together. ive come a long way. from the girl i used to be, ive learned a lot of things. ive learned how to love & be truly happy. ive learned how to let go. but something deep inside me, is telling me to hold on. to every shred of faith for you, that i have stored along the road. its been a bumpy road indeed, but i wouldnt have wanted it any other way. i hope one day you realize, that ive been here from the start. and thats how itll be, until death do us part."