happiness & hurting

you have to be your own hero

"you sit there, in silence. the only thing you can hear is the faint thud of your heart beating. every time it beats you hear it shatter a little more. you sit there, cant move, cant think. you cant cry, all you can do is listen to your heart shatter and feel the pieces falling apart. finally you begin to drift off, all the pain subsiding. you wake up with a wet pillow and bloodshot eyes. this happens far too often. all the tears are doing is drowning out the voices in your head. they shriek and scream of pain and agony, but just for a moment, you cant acknowledge them. the tears cover it, although not for long. you feel the last bit of a tear roll down your wet cheek, and all of a sudden, a rush of voices fill your head. you sit there and wonder what corrupted you mind. it was once a wonderful happy place, filled with light. but one day someone shattered that light, and it filled with utter darkness. you dont go a day without feeling unbearable pain. loss, broken promises, anything you can think of. but as the days go by, as the minutes tick & tock, you learn how to mask it. its easier and easier after every second. what people dont get, is that its so simple to fake happiness but almost impossible to fake sadness. all thats really necessary is a fake smile & a fake happy attitude. laugh a lot, talk whenever you can to fill up the silence. because you and i both know what happens when its silent. youre left alone with you & your thoughts. nothing to distract you from them, better yet, nothing to distract them from you. so you talk a ton, laugh bunches & smile whenever someone says something nice. its hard to explain really, how to fake being happy. once you do it for so long, it seems almost natural. but you know deep down inside your soul that you arent okay. that youre just a little ole broken soul. waiting for god to save you from the pain. you want to escape, but you dont know how. reading helps at times. you escape your life and your problems for a while. youre someone different for a bit. you can be extraordinary things when you read. go to different worlds, feel different feelings. only when you read the last word and slowly shut the book, do you realize that youve left a wonderful fictional world for this corrupted one. writing helps too. act like youre telling someone how you feel. its difficult at first, but once you get the first couple words out, its like magic. it feels unbelievable. a wonderful sense of relief. music is the best and my all time favorite way to soothe the soul. it speaks to you in an amazing way. indescribable really. you feel the words. you dont just hear them. by the time youve read a few books, wrote a few papers & listened to multiple songs, youre left there. alone. in silence. forced to deal with the voices in your head. you try to tell someone dear to you just how bad it hurts, but all you feel is insanity. you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders. you feel as if no one understands. you confide in your closest friend, you tell them everything. and then one day, they just leave you. no explanation. no reasoning. they just stop. no replies. no calls. and at that moment, you realize something very important... the only person who will be there for you through everything is yourself. you eventually have to learn how to live with the voices. you either tame them and keep them quiet, or you change what them say. no matter what, the only person who can save you is yourself. when youre sitting on the bathroom floor, deciding whether to overdose or not, or when youre trying to keep yourself strong, the only person who is capable of doing that is you. you have to learn to be your own hero."