Castles Crumbling

Beach (Chapter 15)

"Wake up Sparkles. We're back at Colney." Leah said while softly shaking me awake. I moved around, feeling my limbs. They were sore from the game and the sleeping on the bus. You were never able to find a position that didn't hurt. It was only a short sleep, enough to keep me awake until I got home and ready for the night. "Why did I even do my makeup?" I asked Leah, still very much not fully awake. "Because you think you look better with it. And don't want to be seen without." Leah answered calmly. "Fair" I said as the two of us walked out of the bus and towards the cars.

Beth and Viv were happy and cheerful during the entire journey. It was only a few minutes, and I fell in with their fun talks and jokes. We watched a movie that night, having fun and laughing. It felt like I really did belong here in London. Being friends with Viv and Beth, playing for Arsenal, and soon moving into my own apartment. It was a dream come true, living independently, not fearing my past trauma. I was finally able to live life, still affected by the past, but living without fear of him was amazing. He wasn't dead, I wasn't that lucky, but he was very much not a part of my life.

The three of us all fell asleep, with the TV running in the background. I was the second one up, shaken to life by Viv. "Can you help me with breakfast?" She asked quietly. "Why are we whispering?" I asked her back. "Well, Beth and I have been dating for 3 months today, and I want to make her a delicious breakfast. Your pancakes are out of this world, I want them for her." Viv confessed, still whispering her words. "Of course. I'll help you, " I said with a smile. And I did, cooking my pancakes and covering them with jam and Nutella. After that, I grabbed a plate of the colder ones and went to eat outside. I didn't want to bother them.

Me
Fancy going out and doing
something?

Leah
Like what?

Me
Maybe going to a beach?

Leah
I'll pick you up in an hour

I was going to a beach with Leah today. I had to go up and pack a bag. What even would I need, like a bikini, towel, and a change of clothes. I had a cute green bikini, almost the same colour as my eyes. I really liked that one, it was cute, and I looked hot in it.

I hoped Leah would think it looked hot. Why did I even that? And why did it matter so much to me. Where did I place that towel, and where is my skirt. Probably in the closet right, yeah there it was. As well as the white tank top I love. Should I pack a bra? Maybe I should. I could wear it if I wanted and if I didn't then I would just not wear it.

I heard a knock on the door as soon as I was done with my makeup. I went extra light today, just concealer and mascara, waterproof because otherwise it would get off in the water. "You look good." Leah said as soon as she saw me. I was just wearing a white tank top, with a light green skirt, flower patterned of course. I was kind of a girly girl sometimes. Other times I dressed more masc, it depended on my mood and how I felt about my body.

"You look good Lee" I said with a smile. She pulled me in for a hug, and I hugged her back. She was a great hugger, her body really comfortable against mine. I could get used to this. No bad thoughts, go away. She would never like me romantically, we were good as friends. "Thank you" Leah answered me while spinning me around. "You look better though, that outfit girl." She continued, hyping me up. We both got into the car. She handed me her phone to play music. I put on a lot of Taylor, mostly her more romantic songs. Like lover, paper rings, gorgeous and songs like that. We both sang along to them all, having fun and enjoying ourselves.

When we got to the beach it was empty, very strange since we were just outside London and had great weather. "I decided on a more private beach, thought it was better since we are both a bit know around here. If you get what I mean." Leah said, explaining exactly what I was wondering. "You are such an angel, Lee. But you are probably the more famous one, having been the captain for England's victory." I answered her, smiling. "Well, you are the better player Sparkles." She added, smiling bigger than before. "No way Lee, no way." I said back to her, and it was true. She was very much the better player. "You have played for Barcelona. Plus you have been playing for Sweden longer than I have played to England." She said. The two of us were walking towards an empty spot. We had stopped on the way to do some shopping. Having bought lunch and some sweets, the two of us were content.

Before lunch, we really didn't do much. We just laid there on the beach, tanning, and when it got too hot, we took a swim in the ocean. There were worse things to do in life. This must have been one of my top moments, just being here with my friend. Thanks to the UK weather, we really just tanned. The ocean was way too cold, and after you got up it was so cold. Like freezing. We talked a lot about our lives before meeting each other. I left out the worst details, still sharing a lot. I told her about my mental health problems, my attempt at 16, the constant anxiety and the self-harm. I left out that I was currently struggling with both anxiety and self-harm. It was way better than before obviously. I could manage myself better, still it was something I though about every day. Especially with the move to London and Arsenal. It was a big change, new people, new city and new experiences. I handled it better now than what I would have before, I am older and wiser. 

Leah didn't relate to that, but she did relate to the pressure that gets put on you as a professional football player. Both by yourself, your family and the world. You want to do your best every time and that is not possible. Especially as a woman. Men have a hormone cycle, but it is a daily cycle and not a monthly. That means less problems depending on what time of the month it is. For me and Leah it affected our performance negatively, just like most other female athletes. During those times it is important to focus on the good stuff and remembering that it will pass. That it will be getting better, maybe even tomorrow. 

Everything sucks lol. But anyways I'm always here for you if you need it. Remember the world is a great place with you in it, even if it doesn't feel like it. Hormones is very much affecting the way I play and it makes me feel very annoyed I was born a woman. 

Wrote all of this little text when I was PMSing really badly lol. Confirmation that hormones really affect me