Castles Crumbling

This is me trying (Chapter 28)

"Are you okay?" Viv asked when we all sat in the changing room after practice.

It had all gone so bad, I was irritated at everything and just not feeling like I usually did. There was nothing wrong with me, neither physically nor mentally. That bugged me so much. It was just a bad day.

"Just a bad day." I answered. My eyes focused on the floor. Otherwise, I would probably burst out in tears. "It's not just that." I whispered, low enough so only she could hear. "Let's go outside then, so we won't be bothered by everyone else." Viv offered, and I took her up on that. Letter her warm hands guide me out of the changing room and down the hall.

As soon as we got out of sight, I put my back against the wall and began sliding down until I was sitting on the floor. My sobs filled the corridor, and I had no idea why I felt this way. "I'm sorry." I apologised continuously. I could feel my breath getting further away from me and that familiar feeling of panic coming closer. My chest was tightening, and every breath felt like a challenge.

Tears were filling my eyes, making me have a difficult time seeing what was going on in front of me.

A second later, Viv was sitting next to me, holding my body close to hers. My breathing was getting more and more panicky. Viv seemed to notice and started talking softly to me.

"Follow my breathing, okay." She said and started breathing heavier. Making it easier for me to follow it. It wasn't easy, but manageable. It took me a good few minutes to get out of my panicking state and become calmer. "I'm sorry Vivi, I don't know what is going on." I apologised quickly. "You shouldn't apologise. It was only a panic attack. There is nothing to apologise for." Viv explained, and I let out a small laugh. "That I know," I said while laughing. "You get them often?" Viv asked me, sounding very worried. "Not often at all, just every once in a while." I explained to her. Talking about my feelings was never my strong suit.

"What's going on? You seem stressed. You have barely been talking to anyone today, and when you have, it has never been friendly. Then, these few minutes in the corridor have been worrying me. You should let someone in." Viv told me, her worried undertone sounding through. "It's just been so much, with the move, and then I'm missing everyone back in Barcelona. Not that you all haven't made me feel at home, you really have." I explained to her. "Honestly, I have nothing to be sad about. There are people who have it so much worse." I continued.

I started to feel the tears filling my eyes. "You know this is me trying. Trying to survive. Trying to succeed. Trying to be happy. Why is it so hard?" I asked Viv desperately. I could feel her pulling me in tighter, closing the distance between us, and just letting me cry on her shoulder. "You are doing amazing. Just know that, sweetie. We are always here for you. Even if it is a shoulder to cry on, like you are doing now. Or if you want someone to cheer you on, we will be here for you. I will be here for you." Viv said, calming me with every single word. I started laughing slightly and felt calm again. Her words doing more than she ever knew.

We sat like that for several more minutes. I felt better with every single breath and minute. "Thank you Vivi." I told her quietly. I was really grateful that she stuck with me in the corridor. Grateful that she saw that something was wrong with me. "I'm always here for you. Are you ready to go back in Ottilia?" Viv asked me. I told her that we could go back in. Asking her to not speak about this to anyone, not even Beth.

We walked in together, Viv sending angry glares at everyone trying to approach us. I sat down quickly, looking down at the floor. My eyes were probably red and swollen from all the crying, and I didn't want them all to know. Well, they probably all knew anyway, based on me being out in the hall for long and returning with Viv. Who was also annoyed with everyone, making it clear that I wasn't supposed to be talked to.

I didn't shower today at the training centre. I wanted to get home as fast as I could, even though it meant facing Sofia looking like this.  It was a small problem since she had already seen me like this. Probably looking way worse sometimes. She was my best friend and had been with me during both better parts of my life and worse parts of my life.

"You look rough Otto." Sofia said as soon as I walked into my apartment. "Thank you." I answered her and walked inside. The cats swarming around me feet as they heard my voice. "I need to shower and then I'll get started on some food." I told Sofia. "I'll cook something, and you'll shower. That is only right since I get to stay here until tomorrow." Sofia answered me. "Oh, and I can't drive you tomorrow, I have practice and a talk with Jonas scheduled." I told her, fearing I had let another person down. "I told you I would take a taxi. You need to focus on the game this weekend, I'll watch from home." She answered. Making sure all of my concerns were fake.

I could shower without those ugly thoughts, and it calmed me down even further.

Are you all enjoying the story so far. I feel like I get so little feedback and that kind of sends me into a spiral that my writing sucks.

I have been very busy with practice and games. I have also sorted through years of research on my family tree. Really makes me miss my grandparents, and I hate that I wasn't able to ask them everything I wanted and spend more time with them.