Castles Crumbling

Car (Chapter 17)

Practice went okay. It was nothing special, and we were mostly doing some recovery and having a gym session. We also did some exercises to gain ball control and work on our passes. It was quite fun. Sitting on a bus to go into central London was way less fun. Also being in my workout clothes, filled with Arsenal badges, and stinking of sweat. I felt ugly, disgusting and like I shouldn't be on this bus.

I got off at the stop closest to the car company. It took me about an hour to select the car, I ended up with a new Audi A3 in black. I just wanted a car that worked for me, and that was small enough so I could reverse with it. I suck at driving and hate doing it, so a pretty car was a must, as well as a small car. The drive to the house was fun, first time in my new car and I could blast my own music. It was mostly Taylor but also some old bangers. According to me my music taste is perfect, according to most other people it isn't.

I got back to the apartment and took a long shower, washing my hair and doing an everything shower. With a hair mask, shaving every centimetre of my body, exfoliating, and just enjoying it. We ordered in, eating food from our favorite place. It was a greek restaurant, with great tastes and just quality food. The evening was spent talking and watching movies. Just a quiet night, something everyone needs every one in a while.

We had practice in the morning and after it we had lunch. Nothing really happened, we worked harder than yesterday. With more running and an intense 11 vs 11 game. We were all extremely tired when it was time for lunch. It was usually really loud in the canteen, but it was so quiet today. Everyone ate in silence. Me right next to Beth. The drive home was quiet, we were all tired. No one talked, and I went to bed early after cooking dinner for the three of us.

The day after followed the same pattern, and so did the following days. I could feel everything slipping away from me. I could feel my mind trying to escape everything. It wasn't supposed to happen, I was happy here. With friends and a new team. I had nothing to be sad about, how could I justify feeling like this when nothing bothered me? People had it was worse, just suck it up, Ottilia.

My mom travelled up here for our game against Tottenham. I was really grateful, having her here and being supported by her was always amazing. London was closer than Barcelona, and way easier to travel to.

I picked her up from the airport myself, in my new car. She stayed at a hotel very close to the stadium. The entire drive there we just talked. Talked about life, football and everything that crossed our minds. I missed her a lot, it was difficult living without my mother. She raised me, always made sure that I could get the best opportunities. When my dad almost killed me, she made sure we got out of the house. She took on most of his anger, shielding me from it. I'm not saying I didn't suffer, but she had it worse, way worse. Leaving an abusive relationship is hard, you can't just pack your stuff and go. It involved planning. Me and my mom had to stay with friends for 3 months before she could afford an apartment. It involved trials. My dad going into prison for domestic abuse, abuse and rape. It also involved me almost dying twice, once by my father's hand and the other by my own. That time was the worstin my life, I'm not saying she didn't do her best, she did.

Before the game, Leah and I sat in the changing room. We were the only ones there yet and we sat there talking quietly about everything. We planned to get coffee tomorrow afternoon and go to IKEA to buy furniture for me. I got access to my new apartment tomorrow and wanted to move in as soon as possible. I also planned to paint the apartment as soon as possible, I was able to visit in the beginning of the week. It was all white, I hated white, and it reminded me of hospitals. Something I was keen to not think about. I had already bought the paint, having figured out which color every room would be. I wanted it colorful to drown out the pain in felt in my life.

Dead from practice. Almost fainted several times. If I wake up sick tomorrow I'm not surprised.

Wattpad and I are mortal enemies. It always tries to delete what I have written and change it. Happened yesterday at like 11pm and I had an early day. Had to prioritize my sleep and not pull up my computer and rewrite an entire chapter.