that august night - c.l.

37. Am I really so desperately helpless?

"Quit your job, please. Elena I can't watch you drown yourself in the work every day, without giving yourself a minute of break. Please Elena, if it's because of money I will pay the rent, bills, for food for anything. Just quit the goddamn job." - His voice was higher, like he wanted his words to reach her. But she heard them loud and clear.

"It is not up to fucking money Charles, I dedicated my whole life to this and I am not giving up on it. You are going around the world all the time and I am not asking you to quit your job because I know how much you love what you do, even though it means we don't get to see each other for two weeks sometimes!" - She snapped back earning frustrated glance from him.

"But my job doesn't destroy me! You don't see me coming home after two weekends of racing in a row, tired with lifeless eyes. I've been watching you walk through those doors every morning tired and coming back even worse!" - He yelled. That's when Elena realized. He might see her the way others do.

He has been watching her and he has gotten so good at it, he realized every time she was tired. Maybe he even saw what they've been seeing. Dumb, fat, slut with nothing but a job and a boyfriend who is a star next to her, living in his shadow.

"Don't bullshit me, Charles. You get upset every time you don't have good race and the team lets you down."

"And that doesn't happen every two weeks, I get to breathe a little and wrap my mind around it but you are consistent at it, Elena! Have you had one day without thinking of those dead children and pictures of their dead bodies in your mind?"

"I love what I do! I am sorry you had to witness a scene like that this morning and nobody will ever change the person you become after being in such environment. But I am used to it Charles, that's what my life is all about, I love my job as much as you love yours!" - At this point Elena felt tears forming up behind her eyes. Out of frustration and desperation of trying to convince him it is not as bad as he may think it is.

"But I didn't get the passion for my job put on by my parents!" - He yelled out as Elena stared at him. He went low. "Don't bring them into this, they have nothing to do with my career path and love for job."

"Oh don't they? I've heard them talking, all they ever care about is your job and you are desperate of trying to make them happy without making yourself happy first. I've tried Elena, I really did. To drag your mind off of your work and make you forget about it for the weekend at least, but I've realized I can't."

He continued as one tear fell down her face as she stared at him. The tear cut his soul as he saw it drop down from her red cheek that heated up from frustration she was feeling the whole time.

"You only say that because of what happened this morning. You realized you can't get over the trauma and now you think I can't." - She pointed her finger at him as another tear rolled down her face. "No Elena. I have seen you. I did nothing more than study your feelings and I can tell that you know too that, deep down, this work is ruining you. You know it, you just don't want to accept it." - He finished as his face was close to hers.

They stared into each other's eyes, first time this close, without touching. And it was never this hurtful. To be so distant yet so close as they felt each other's breaths on their lips. He passed, and hit her shoulder a little, which she translated to I'm leaving, and you know it's for the best.

Elena closed her eyes as she heard the doors shut behind her back. Another tear traced down already drained stain from the previous one. He left and she was not sure where.

Will he be safe? Will he come back to her? Will they be okay after this?

For the third time today she asked herself questions she wasn't sure she had answers to and she never felt this clueless. The stupidity of not knowing the answers to them hurt her emotionally because despite all the years of reading and learning, her brain felt empty.

But she knew, he is the only soul who knew which smiles she was faking. That's what made him so special to her. He told her himself how he noticed her struggle. He tried to help her indirectly by dragging her mind off of it, for the weekend at least, but he saw she was helpless.

Am I really so desperately helpless?She asked herself over and over again, sitting on the couch bringing her knees to her chest as tear after tear kept falling from her face. How does this hurt so much? She kept on asking herself until the point she fell asleep. Which she didn't know at the time, but rather got woken up by a phone ringing. She saw that Isa was calling her so she picked up. "Hey, are you home?" - Isa asked as Elena cleared her voice, feeling that her face was swollen and red from all the crying probably.

"Yeah, why?" - She tried to sound as positive as she could. "Do you maybe want to meet up? At the cafe? I need to give you this dress back and I was thinking of hanging out along the way." - Isa explained as Elena saw nothing better to do at the moment.

"See you in hour." - They hung up the call before Elena sat at the couch for a minute, reliving the situation from last night. She didn't know where he was or when he'll be back, but what she did know is that she was worried. So Elena picked up her phone and dialed his number but there was nothing more of his voice than a regular voice mail. And he probably heard hers for plenty of times when he was trying to get her yesterday.

Of course she felt guilty for not coming home on time, answering his calls and especially forgetting about the dinner. But he had no right to ask her to quit her job. Elena loved what she did, she loved helping people even if it meant she would destroy herself.

Being people pleaser, at the end of the day, doesn't please everyone around you. Not the ones who care about you more than they do about themselves. But she couldn't see the bigger picture of it just yet.

She stood up and got ready for a coffee that she very much needed, but not before starting in the mirror thinking, how could such a short time mean so much to her?