What To Tell You If I Already Lost You [L.S]

fourteen days until the wedding

Fourteen days until the wedding.

> EVERMORE <

Louis

So, my mum is here.
First thing she asked me when she arrived was who the fuck was the guy that you're marrying.
And honestly, I couldn't help but laugh. I'm sorry, Eric.

She asked me if I had ever even met him. I told her no, I hadn't had the pleasure.
She asked me why did you agree to marry someone in just one year. I told her I had no clue.

She asked me why I was not furious about it. I told her that I could never be furious at you for finding love.

Then she asked me why it couldn't have been us instead and where our love had gone. And for that, I had no answer.

For starters, I'm sure my love for you is still there. It didn't go away.

And yours, well, I like to think that when I saw you last time you were not just being nice, I like to believe that you still have some love left for me inside you.

If you don't, I'm okay with not knowing.

It's been a couple gray days for me. I've been really trying to convince myself you're happier now, that you're in love.

And since I'm not filming the movie anymore I don't have anything to keep my mind busy.

Except for these letters and the many more that I'll never send you.

I still replay all our time together, trying to find where I went wrong.
I try to put some sense into why I'm writing letters. Since they clearly don't mean much to you.

I keep asking myself the same questions.

Why is this pain never leaving me?
Why does it keep lasting?
Why do people keep pushing me to remember you and what we were?
Is this pain going to be for evermore?

Right now my mind is blurry. I think of you, I dream of you, I rewind to that very moment I lost all I knew.
Other times, I can't remember anything and I think that's for the better. But then all of it comes back to me, like crashing waves and I'm drowning on them.

I know we're still in August, but my memories are frozen cold, just like winter.

All our memories together and the knowledge that you put an ending to those.

The knowledge that you're starting a new chapter of your life now.

Why do I keep doing this to myself?
What am I fighting for?
Can we just press pause? Can time stay still for a minute?

I need my Louis back.

I need to feel loved by you one last time, Louis.
I need to know that what we had was not just a distant memory that's slowly being erased from my mind.
I need to know we were real.

I'm doubting everything.

I'm spinning in my head.

These letters are not helping. They're just pulling me under.
I need you to help me get through all of this.
Which is ironic, since you're the reason I'm this weak right now.

I'm flanking.

I'm weakening.
I'm falling.
I'm drowning without you.

And this just doesn't get any better.

Not now, not tomorrow, not ever.

No matter how many letters I write.