What To Tell You If I Already Lost You [L.S]

three days until the wedding

This is my absolute favorite song of Taylor.
Like, I can't not scream its lyrics each time I listen to it.

I couldn't leave it out of this story.

Mag 🦋

Three days until the wedding.
> THE WAY I LOVED YOU <

Harry.

I can't believe I'm doing this.
Niall convinced me, the fucker.

You told him about the kiss?
It feels like now that another person knows, it becomes real.

If you hadn't told him I could have just moved on with everything and pretend it didn't happen. Like that last kiss was just a product of my imagination.
But no. Because now my friends know.

I guess I'm lucky Eric didn't find out.
Yet.

I'm going to tell him though.
I can't lie to him. He's incredible, H.

He's sensible and sweet, he tries to understand me every time, he puts a lot of himself into our relationship, he says everything I need to hear, he respects my space, he trusts me.

And honestly, I can't ask for anything better.

I feel like if you met him, you'd actually like him.
Everyone likes him because he's just... normal. And charming. And simple but a little funny.
Mostly he's just the right balance of everything.

And I feel perfectly fine with him. Comfortable and safe.
It's like I know things will never change with him. He's the first thing that actually gives me stability in life. He's steady, anchored, rational.

Not like anything we've ever been.
Though, Harry, how do I say this?

I miss it. I miss not knowing what you would surprise me with. I miss the rollercoaster of emotions I had with you.

Kissing you again was too much.
And now It's 2 am and I'm hiding from Eric, I'm lying awake thinking of you. And it feels wrong and right in equal amounts.

I miss fighting with you, making up with you. I miss how happy I felt with you, the adrenaline, the rush, how crazily in love I was with you.

I never knew I could feel this much for one person.
And I have mixed feelings.

You always were everything to me. You kept me going, you loved me, you admired me, you made me stronger, and you drove me insane.
But that's how I loved you. I always loved how incredibly alive you made me feel.

You are wild, complex, addicting, strong, free, brave and irradiate positivity. Everyone loves you.
Everyone loves you for who you are.
For how you are.

Every single person in my life told me I was an idiot for letting go of the person who made me a better version of myself.
Every single person in my life cursed me because I had broken you.

But Harry, even if the whole world wanted us together, I needed out.

You see, you have too much power over me.

You are the only one who can make me doubt myself, make me stop everything just to get lost in your eyes, make me write a fucking letter at two in the morning because you don't leave my mind. Harry, I always loved you this way. Without questioning it.

And it breaks me in half knowing I have to leave you behind.

But I need to be safe, I need to have stability, I need to know my heart won't break.
Eric might not be the person my heart is adoring, he might not be the one that I long for, but he's the one that can give me permanence.

I love you, H. But this is where I draw the line.

I can't take any more letters.
Don't write to me anymore. Don't come by the studio.

Eric is my future now, and that's how the story ends.