What To Tell You If I Already Lost You [L.S]

six days until the wedding

Six days until the wedding.

> SAD BEAUTIFUL TRAGIC <

Louis.

What we talked yesterday is still spinning in my head.

I just hope you're not calling off the wedding. Even though it'll make me selfishly happy.

My head is a mess. I guess you just need to know that. I'm regretting my last letter.
I'm thinking of what would be best for me. I'm evaluating if being your friend is something I can tolerate.
I'm weighing the decision of just erasing you completely.

And I'm lost.
I don't know what to do.

I told you I wouldn't fight for us, because 'us' doesn't exist anymore.
But I don't want to give up.

Why don't I want to give up?
It should be easy. You're moving on, I should be moving on too.
Still I wake lonely in bed each day, having dreamt about you all night.
You're still everywhere, time it's taking its sweet time erasing you.

Why can't I move on?
Why do I keep walking in circles?

Why do I keep weighing my options?
There's no more that I can do.
Isn't it?

I'm stubborn, you know that.
That's why I keep writing letters, arrogantly thinking they'll change anything.
That these letters will bring you back to me without putting up a fight.

Long handwritten notes full of words that by now mean nothing. I'm too late to get you back.

I should have tried harder two years ago. Not now, now you're gone.

Now the distance is too wide, the breakdown was too hard and the silence is too quiet.

Though, you are giving me hope too. Aren't you? This isn't just happening in my head.
And maybe that's why I'm a mess.

You're giving me space to think that maybe this isn't over.
Why do I feel like you're giving me hope to get you back?

Why aren't we fighting?
Why aren't we giving up?

Why do I keep writing? Why do you keep reading?

We had a beautiful magic love in the past, but it turned to tragedy in the end.
Now all of your demons look like me, and still you're holding me close.
Why, Louis?

Why keep holding me when you're giving yourself to someone else?

Are you leading me on?
Or are you waiting for me to fight for what we could be?

I feel less and less hopeful each day it passes, but if you give me one reason, I'd be willing to do anything to fix us.

I just don't want to fight in vain.