Am I the Problem? (Denki angst)

Chapter 9

I have been constantly rereading the comments and I love you guys so much, you are all amazing <3

And if you ever need anyone to talk to I'm here!!!

Sorry I haven't been updating much, I'm trying my best to get better grades this year with it being my senior year after my junior year which had a dip after switching schools. I also have a lot of presentations and college applications to do so yeah, gonna be a little busy getting through it all and finals in 3 weeks. Like bro imagine colleges seeing that I had an 88 and 91 in pre-calc last year but then see a 98 for calc (98 for now, still got another test and then final for first semester)

Some recent good news: I got accepted into a university I want to go to!!!!!!

Denki's POV 

My eyes slowly open to end up being blinded by a bright white light. I groan in pain from all the light hitting me and when I look over I'm met with Shinsou's beautiful purple eyes staring at me.

"Denki..." I hear him whisper.

I look around and realize that I'm in the hospital and look back into Shinsou's eyes. Pain spreads through my heart as I reply, "I'm still alive..." As soon as those words leave my mouth I see Shinou's eyes widen in shock. I feel my shoulders getting grabbed and hear a mantra of no(s) coming from him. 

"Please Denki, never do anything like that again. I can't live without you, you're my only real friend and I care about you so so much. I don't care if the whole world is against you but I swear on my life that I will protect you to the fullest from now on, even if it costs my life." 

My heart skips a beat and I finally feel a little warmth inside be after hearing his words. I want to trust Shinsou's words so much but deep down inside I really have doubts and I'm not sure if I'd be able to live even if I had him on my side. One thing I knew for sure is that my life is definitely going to take a drastic turn from this point and it is going to be for the worst. I can already imagine everyones' thoughts back in the dorms about how pathetic and weak I am for trying to kill myself. They're all probably thinking of how much of a failure I am for not even being able to die properly.  A brilliant idea then pops into my head.

"Uhm Shinsou, I'm a little thirsty, do you mind getting me some water?" 

"Of course not Denki, I'll be right back don't move too much" Shinsou replies gently as he leaves the room. 

Self Harm Warning (skip to next bolded area)

I look around the room for any object that I can use when I spot a small blade. I slowly get off the bed and walk towards the table to grab it and go back to my original spot. It took a lot of energy and I almost tripped but at least I successfully did it. I hid the blade under the covers in case Shinsou comes back in suddenly. I look at my arms and decide that this would be the second best option, and that I could die properly. I slide the blade against my arm and watched in awe as the blood started slowly dripping out and down my arms. I was so fascinated by it and enjoyed the feeling that I couldn't hold back and continued cutting my wrists until my whole left arm was covered in blood. At some point I might have been too focused on my blood dripping out because the next thing I heard was the sound of a glass breaking. My head shot up to see Shinsou standing there with shattered glass and water around his feet. Shit, I really messed up didn't I? The only person who cares about me so much is going to leave me, and I'll be all alone again. I should just end this quickly so I don't have to deal with it. I raise the blade up slightly ready to stab myself with it until a strong hand grips onto me, not allowing me to bring the blade closer. I look up to see Shinsou on the verge of crying as he pulls and takes the blade out of my hand and throws it far across the room.