strawberry fields | bada lee

014 | my memory is mist

Standing outside Bada's hotel room, you called your mom. You were an adult in a foreign country, yet something about your mom's voice made you feel like a teenager getting scolded. She was concerned, as you had not texted since yesterday at nighttime- you reassured her everything was fine and that you were not alone as you now had a friend.

"I'm sorry, mom. I was busy, and it won't happen again. I promise." You said softly. "Have a good night, love you." As you hung up the phone, you could not help but feel embarrassed and frustrated with the situation.

You knocked on her door, as you tried to smile the shame away. As the door swung open, Bada naturally glanced down at you, her eyes drawn to yours.

"Is everything okay?" She asked.

"Yes, I apologize. It was just my mom being a mom, you know?" You said while still smiling. "A bit embarrassing."

She smirked as her eyes seemed to be glued to yours. "Your eyes look different today." She observed curiously.

Your smile widened, and you batted your eyelashes playfully. "I'm wearing lashes today."

Bada chuckled in response. "Your eyes are so pretty."

"Thank you, Bada." You said. "Actually, I need to head back to my room to take care of something for my mom."

In reality, you were not going to do anything for your mom. Instead, you desperately needed to be alone- you needed time to figure out your feelings and perhaps decipher them.

Bada did not question your excuse. "Don't worry, text me if you need anything, okay?"

You nodded appreciatively. "Okay, Bada. See you later."

As you started walking away, she called out to you. "Let me know what you want to do tomorrow!"

The short walk to your room felt like a blur- your mind was overwhelmed. It was when you were inside your hotel room that the tears you were holding back found their way out- the weight of your feelings was too much. You lay on your bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to calm yourself.

"Why, why, why?" You whispered to the empty room. "She was supposed to be just my friend."

You felt as your warm tears poured down your face, smudging the makeup you had carefully applied earlier. "I just fucking met her." You muttered between sobs. "She's just being nice, and I'm being dumb."

Desperation washed over you, your hand sought your teddy bear that had been a companion through many difficult nights- but now, as you hugged it close to your chest, you realized how much you wanted Bada to be the one comforting you.

"She doesn't even like me." You said, your voice trembling with the rawness of your emotions.

With the weight of your feelings dawning on you, you continued to hold your teddy bear close. It was scary, trusting was scary. As the minutes turned into hours, your tears gradually subsided, leaving you exhausted and emotionally drained.

Overwhelmed, you lay there with your eyes heavy and mind racing. You couldn't help but think about how Bada looked at you and her warmth and kindness. Eventually, your exhausted body could not keep you awake anymore, and you fell asleep.

In the depths of your dream, you wandered through a landscape, your footsteps echoing in the nothingness- you were alone. As you walked, you called out to your friends and family, who had their backs to you, but your voice sounded like a mere whisper in the silence. Panic settled within you as you realized that no one cared for you.

The sensation of abandonment grew overwhelming, making the nightmare almost suffocating. It left you gasping for breath and your heart heavy as you woke up. In that desperate moment, without a second thought, you reached for your phone, your trembling fingers struggling to compose a message to Bada.

y/n: bada
y/n: are you awake? please
y/n: i had a horrible nightmare, i feel like shit

bada: i am coming to your room
bada: if you hear someone knocking, open up, it's me

y/n: bada no, i just wanted to chat
y/n: i look ugly, i cried a lot
y/n: my makeup is messy and my eyes feel too puffy
y/n: i fell asleep after i cried, then i woke up because of the nightmare

bada: i don't care

The clock on your phone read 1:14 AM. A minute had not passed when you heard knocking at your door- with tired steps, you made your way towards the mirror, the cold, hard truth of your appearance reflected back at you.

"Open, Y/N." Bada's tone was laced with urgency.

As the door swung open, Bada's heart broke as she looked at you- your teary and puffy eyes, your trembling lips, your runny eyeliner and smudged lip stain. She scolded herself internally for even thinking about how you looked so pretty while crying.

Without a word, you clung to Bada's frame like a helpless child. She wrapped her arms around your waist. "It's okay, I'm here." She whispered as she stroked your back.

"Put your hands on my neck, and I'll lift you, okay?" She said.

You nodded and followed her instructions, locking your hands behind her neck. Bada lifted you off your feet, your legs wrapping around her waist, allowing you to hold on to her.

"Good job." She whispered as you rested your head against her shoulder, feeling the warmth of her body. "Can you close the door? I won't drop you. I am strong."

With just one hand clutching onto Bada, you quietly closed the door, making sure it locked before she walked towards the bed. Bada gently sat on your bed, essentially making you sit on her lap.

"Y/N, tell me what's wrong." Bada insisted.

"I just had a nightmare." You said while avoiding eye contact.

Bada shook her head gently. "No." She said firmly, her eyes momentarily locking onto yours. "You said you were crying even before your nightmare. Be honest, what's wrong?"

You hesitated, trying to push yourself up from her lap, but Bada's firm yet gentle hold kept you in place. Her tallness and strength made it nearly impossible for you to move, even though she was not using force. She simply wanted you to be there.

"I was crying even before my nightmare. But it's nothing, really." You tried to dismiss your feelings.

"I said be honest." Bada repeated softly.

"Maybe I don't want to be honest, Bada." You replied.

Bada tilted her head, eyebrows furrowed in genuine confusion. "What do you mean?"

A sigh escaped your lips. "If I'm honest, I'm afraid I'll fuck this up." You admitted, your eyes searching hers for understanding.

Bada nervously laughed. "Fuck this up?" She said. "I am confused."

You felt like you were being too obvious- still, it was clear that Bada was genuinely confused and not just pretending. The silence lingered for a moment as you tried to find your words.

"You don't have to tell me if you're not sure about it." Bada reassured you. "I won't be mad. I'll just be curious."

"Ah, I just... I just..." Your words stumbled, reflecting your anxiety.

Sensing your nervousness, Bada began to play with your hair. Her curiosity burned intensely, and she knew what she wanted to hear you say, and she was being hopeful.

"I think..." You paused again, your voice soft. "I think this doesn't feel like just a friendship anymore." You finally admitted, choosing to be somewhat vague.