a girl's scattered journal.

the unsent letter to my unrequited.

𓆸

To my dear journal, I hope through writing a letter that is meant to be kept hidden and expressing my thoughts, emotions, and all the nitty-gritty stuff; it will, hopefully, help me move on... But, you have no idea, how I wished he would fall for me. How he captivated me, yet I wasn't able to captivate him. I guess, for someone who often has unrequited "relationships", it's just the way it goes...

𓇢𓆸

To my dear unrequited, 

I know we have only "been together" for four months. By "been together", it was just an unlabeled type of situation between you and me, only looking for some type of intimacy without the intimacy type of love. I made the mistake of getting attached to whatever we were, or weren't. I guess luckily  you made me feel that it was better for me to leave than to stay with you because I don't think you like me as much as you say you do. "Luckily" in a way that I can somewhat "easily" detach myself from this "non-relationship" with you. The way you dismissed me and left me feeling weird after each time we had hung out; it made me realize that this is not what I wanted. It was like every moment we had time to hang out together, you disappeared or left me hanging; while I, idiotically, waited for you to come back or to respond to my message. 

I know fully well that this is an experience I would never want to go through again, but I would be lying if I said that I didn't want you. When we first met and conversed; it was undeniably a nice experience. Maybe because it's different from my daily routine. Or I met someone new for the first time in so long. The days before I met you are nothing compared to the times when we chatted because it was a different type of peace from when I was alone. I really liked the person I first met. And I guess that's when I realized I made the mistake of getting attached to you. I guess that's when I knew I screwed up in making you special in my eyes. The moment when I knew that things were already going south from there, I decided it was best for me to go before I began to hate and agonize and regret that I met you. I didn't want to turn such a sweet memory, with you, sour. 

It has been a few weeks since then. Since we last met to hang out. Since we last had those small talks. Having that long gap of just contemplating then analyzing every moment of us being together to not being together to you leaving me on unread; it was enough for me to realize little and too much at the same time. In the end, my decision (just as some of my friends had thought) was that it was best for me to let go of that nonexistent rope. I think having to cut you off hurt me more than it would have hurt you, but I guess I would have never known whether you meant that "i really like you" phrase genuinely or whether you had some sort of care or infatuation as I had with you. Though I never confronted these things, I knew that there was no point because you were only looking for some type of intimacy without any type of love. I was scared of being vulnerable with you, even more so than usual because I would be acknowledging that I like you more than you like me, which is possibly nonexistent. I didn't like being vulnerable because everything would hurt more than necessary. 

After all, you told me from the start that we were just a non-relationship that was just meant for fun and relaxation, so I knew me and vulnerability doesn't have a place between whatever we were, or weren't.

Sincerely, that girl who hoped for a chance from you.