Just Strangers [SeongJoong]

017

Seonhgwa

I fucked up.

What I did was extremely unfair. Because the truth was, we weren't exactly dating. At least not officially. He had no obligation to tell me anything if he didn't want to. Did it bother me that he didn't tell me about his disorder despite knowing I was falling in love with him? Yes, it really did. But I also had to remember that it's a disorder, a very stigmatized one at that. If he didn't feel comfortable telling me, I should've respected that instead of making things worse. 

However, getting in contact with him was near impossible because he wouldn't answer any of my texts. Even San tried to get back into touch with him and he had no luck either. The guilt started eating me alive because all of it was my fault. 

Despite not being invited and knowing I'd probably get yelled at, I went to his house. I wanted to at least see if he okay. I didn't mean to hurt him and I definitely should've realized what I said would've. San said he never really got hurt so I guess I believed that a little too much. 

I rang the doorbell, knowing that his house was big enough that he might not hear it if I knocked. It took about three minutes but the door opened and...

He looked fine. 

Amazing even. 

Did the things I said not even bother him, or was he that good at hiding it? Was I giving myself too much credit to thinking I could hurt his feelings? If I didn't hurt his feelings, why was he ignoring everyone like he was?

"Yeah?" He asked, looking like he was getting ready to go somewhere. 

"Um..." I took a deep breath, trying to get over my shyness. Whether it hurt him or not, he still deserved an apology. "I'm sorry for what I said. I went way too far when I shouldn't have. If you don't want to tell me things, you have no obligation to." 

"What you said gave me the reality check I needed. I don't hold any grudges, Hwa. Don't worry about it. I needed to hear those things." He said. 

I relaxed a little, relieved that he was so quick to accept my apology. I felt like I could finally breathe now. I offered a smile, hoping to clear some of the tension I felt. "So, do you want to hang out sometime or-" 

"I can't. I'm busy." He then walked past me and shut his door behind him. I blinked in surprise, turning around as he walked down his driveway to his bike. "Your car is done. The keys are in it if you want to take it. You can leave mine here. Don't worry, I won't charge you." 

I felt completely blindsided.  "Um...okay. Well, we don't have to hang out today but maybe-"

"I gotta go." He cut me off and started putting his gloves on before his bike helmet. "See you another time." 

I watched him roll his bike out of the driveway and he waited no time before driving off. I stared at his wake, absolutely dumbfounded by what just happened. Did I fuck up that badly? Why was he just brushing me off? He said he didn't hold any grudges but now he's just continuing to avoid me?

It hurt so fucking badly and like the bitch I was, I couldn't help but tear up. I missed him even though it was hard to admit that to anyone, including myself. I felt like I was going a bit insane if I was being quite honest. Everyone was looking at me like I was insane because I stupidly fell in love with Hongjoong. Either I got eye rolls or pitying looks and I didn't want either. 

Was falling in love with him that stupid that everyone couldn't help but judge you for it? It's like people just knew that it would end poorly and maybe I deserved those looks, because I also had the same warnings but I went ahead and did it anyway. 

I sat down on his front steps, holding my face in my hands as I let myself weep. 

I always fucking did this! I always fell in love and it always bit me in the ass. 

But he was different from the other guys I had been with, I knew that for a fact. He had treated me well and he made me happy. He gave my life excitement and meaning that it never had before. I was tired of being locked in a closet or trunk, feeling so small and claustrophobic all the time. More then I had ever felt before...I wanted to live my life when I was with him. 

Now he fucking hated me and he had every goddamn reason to because I shamed him for having something he couldn't control. 

It really was all my fault. 

I deserved all the pain and suffering I went through because I had absolutely no gratitude for the people who made me happy. 

My step mother and father was right. 

I didn't deserve to live.