On My Mind

Is There a Message in Here?

It's Thursday, but it'll be Friday in a few minutes. I work at 9 tomorrow. And I'm nervous. Sometimes, it feels like I can't handle two days. It took me a really long time to get settled, and weekdays are usually filled with new people. So I don't have much experience around them, because i work weekends usually, and that makes me nervous. If I work hard nobody will know I'm anxious to be there. It'll just look like I wanna work and get out. And that's fine. It's what everyone wants. But sometimes, I think people seek connection at work to make things a little easier. And it's hard for me to be that person who eases others' pain. I try. I do. Or at least I think a lot about the things I say to others, and I wonder if I'm saying the right thing. Or if I'm saying enough.
Half the time, I'm not. And that's okay because no one is perfect. As long as in your heart you wanna do good, that's what matters. If you know you're a kind person, that's what matters. I've questioned whether im a kind person a lot recently. Maybe I just thought I wasn't nice enough and I wasn't interested in other lives. Having no interest in a strangers hobbies is valid. Not caring about what they watch or eat is valid. But it's not that I wasn't interested. It's that I didn't wanna hear some sugar-coated bullshit. I want other people to talk from their hearts. What they really think what they really feel. Sure, I wanna know the good parts of ur life but also the bad and ugly.

But also there's a blockage with that. And it's that whenever anyone talks to me, I shut down. J--- isn't one of those people bc he's encouraging, kind, and has a lot to say from his real mind. I admire that. I want to be just like that. Is it okay to look up to someone younger than me? Yes. He obviously inspires me, so why does it matter.

Sometimes, I think about how I was pushed into this version of myself. And Ik its true. After years of abuse I adapted to my surroundings. Learning things that helped me get through. I am resilient. But there are new themes, new people, and new surroundings. Well, technically, not really bc I've worked at my job for almost 2 years, and I've lived in my mom's apartment since 8th grade. But I mean. I can let go of the fear. I'm not being physically abused anymore. I could have maybe scrounge up some cases of emotional/ mental abuse. But my biggest threats are gone. And I'm so grateful I made it out alive. There have been times that I didn't know if I would. But I did. And I'm here. And I say fuck all that shit before. I am here now in the present. I can make this shit so much fun and meaningful.