On My Mind

Any friend breakups?

I had a dream about a tsunami the other night. I have dreams like that a lot. But most of the time their never really is a tsunami. It's usually just the idea of a tsunami. Like, I know it's coming. Like everyone around me knows it's coming. And I panic a little, but ultimately, there's nothing I can do. It'll crash into me no matter what because no one can outrun/out drive a tsunami. And I'm starting to think it's because I've made a new friend recently and to be honest I'm not sure how to be a friend. I know I'm kind, and I care about that person, but I never really had a solid friendship. My first real friendship, one where I opened up about what happened in my home life, was magical. I really felt like I had a sister. Someone to lean on. But we got into a dumb fight. Where I had taken a video of jumpscaring her at a sleepover with one of her other friends she went to school with. And since the video was on her phone, her parents showed it to her family, and she felt embarrassed. I was angry bc I didn't understand. I was basically humiliated on a day to day basis by my family. The video wasn't a big deal. I can tell you right now that I went through all the stages of grief. Confused at first. Why was she so angry that she won't talk to me. Then I got so angry. How could she stop talking to me. It wasn't a big deal. And we called each other names over text. Months went by, and I started texting her and apologizing, begging her to be my friend. Then the depression hit. I stayed in my room all summer. I lost weight, and I was frail. I didn't leave to eat, drink, or use the bathroom. All I did was scroll on my phone for hours on musical.ly. Tiktok before tiktok. And that's when I also found out she had accepted the other girls apology bc I was the one with the idea to prank her. Eventually, after a year or so, she finally accepted my apology, and I had gone over her house to hang out with. But so much time had passed that things felt off and strange. And she had another friend over. I didn't know what to say or do. Or how to act anymore. We were always so goofy before, but this fight made me feel like I couldn't be myself around her anymore. So after that, subconsciously, I decided never to go over to her house again, and our friendship fizzled out. I made new friends where I lived and they were good friends. They cared, and I could tell that. I miss them, but we've also grown apart in separate ways. I'll always love them. And if they ever called, I'd answer in a heartbeat. But after I moved again, I made a similar connection as the first friend, and it ended in a similar but flipped way. And the year we weren't talking, I made friends with someone in the same friend group. We became close. She had a crappy home life, and so did I. We were there for each other when no one else was. But now she's drifted away, and I understand why. Where growing up and people move on. I understand that people get busy and life isn't easy. But I never even felt like she knew me. And I couldn't tell if it was because I was holding back on purpose or if she just never listened. I don't want to assign blame bc I really don't know. I've had 'friends' growing up that weren't the kindest but were in the same place at the same time. Like recently I couldn't do something with my family that's been tradition for ages and i told this friend and they answered a week later. They've been scarce with their messaging.
But I want a genuine friendship. Where even if someone's busy, we still make time. We're we care about each other. We listen to each other. Not just about the bad but about the good, too. Sometimes, I feel like people use me to listen to their problems. But when I have problems I never go to them. But I genuinely can't tell if it's bc I feel like I can't go to other people or bc if every time I swear, I'm proven right.
But in all fairness, I'm scared to communicate how I feel to people. Afraid they'd think it was stupid or something. Even though it doesn't make sense. Bc if they responded in a negative way them I'd know they were a good friend, and I could stop all my worrying and drop them. Maybe i don't want to stop my worrying. Maybe if I lose the little friendship I have, I'll have no one. My family is far from healthy. Who would i have if we did end up not being friends. At the end of the day, I love her, and I want to be her friend forever, and it's okay to admit that her friendship isn't serving me anymore. And I can't really serve quality if I'm not getting quality back. I don't care about quantity. It just seems that every time we hang out, I worry about what to say what to feel how to respond. And I'm not sure why. It's not that she doesn't care. She asks questions and kinda does listen, but some things are lacking. I can't put my finger on it. And it's been clawing at me for months.