Albonium

Volume XVI - Free and Lost Spirits

Book XXXI - A Preacher

I - Northward

He was no longer below anyone! No longer did he serve one cause. No longer was he forced to listen to anyone!

Once he felt a great pity for humans and then he joined the Fell, seeking to defeat all human evil. But then he rejected the Fell!

Once he felt a disgust for all things natural, and tried to find the most unnatural thing, the Elven, seeking the destruction of all of nature. But then he rejected the Elven!

Once he journeyed with a band of free spirits, who had no one to lean on, for all their idols were dead, and everyone around them held to only false Ideals. And what were they to do? He did not know what they did specifically. But he knew their attitude! They were lost!

They were lost! And they recognized the solution proposed by everyone who was lost: to chase an Ideal! But all Ideals were false! When one had achieved an Ideal wholly and fully, the Ideal only lied to him, and deceived him, as the first Rome had deceived Commodus. Thus the lost man said to his Ideal, "This is all you can give me? But I still feel longing and unsatisfied!" The only word others had for him was greed! But when all those who were greedy were vanquished, did not the vanquisher feel the same way? He only felt at ease when he was vanquishing, and not when he was done.

Thus thought Kozlov, "I will abandon all this! It is nonsense. All ethics, all of morality, all of politics and forming a better world is meaningless! Why does everyone want more? Why cannot we simply be satisfied with little?"

Then he separated from Kozlov, because his spirit was still in pain, because he was still greedy! What was wrong with him?

Was there something wrong with him, or was there something wrong with Kozlov? For clearly everyone else at least wanted morality, even if they were all deceiving themselves...

He knew not what to do. But he thought he had to do!

He asked his new comrades to join him on a journey. They did not know what to do after saying no, and thus they agreed. They asked him what he wanted to do. He knew not, but said, "Well, we shall journey northwards to Britannia!"

"But why?"

"Simply for itself! Why not?"

"Why not? Why not stay and be mercenaries, or relax in the mountains. You ask us to do hard work, but you are elderly and weak. Perhaps you should be a schoolteacher, and we, legionnaires!"

"No, you cannot do that! Listen to me. If you knew everything that would happen in your life, would there be any meaning in living?"

"No? Would not I then know what the future would be like, and as I know what it would be like, would not I have in some way already lived it?"

"Exactly! Do we not remember things because we can recall them! Because we can process and reason from one event to the next? Then, if we know what will happen in the future, we have already lived it!"

"But how do we know the future? Obviously that is impossible."

"Let us imagine your life if you were a mercenary. You are paid, you fight, and there are two outcomes: either Rome falls, or Rome does not fall! And despite your longevity you will age in fifty or so years. It is like an equation: here a mathematician can calculate the outcome. There is no meaning in it for men like us! There is only meaning in this lower life for those who do not possess enough valorous deeds inside them. If you are strong and capable, you should live a life where you do not know the outcome! Follow me! Once was Cyrus. He could have stayed King of Anshan, but he already knew what would happen: he would rule, die, and give his son the throne. Hence he decided to conquer! He did not know if he would succeed or be ruined, whether he would be remembered as great, or be remembered as an usurper!