𝙲𝚕𝚊𝚠𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝙵𝚊𝚗𝚐𝚜

𝟔．𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐤, 𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐨𝐧𝐞

i am perverted, sick and sadistic,
covered in your blood, it's ritualistic

KIO ✩

Ears occupied with: none
Current mood: tired as fuck
Monday, 22/8/2023

I feel like shit.

It was so stressful and boring at school. With elections going on and all those subjects I gotta study for, it's hell. But then again, I can't ditch my studies. There's no way I'd do that.

I live to enlighten the burnt out overachiever I used to be.

My studies, and my academic work, it's all extremely important to me, and I'd do anything to be the same as I was once. It's difficult, and I can't tame all the emotions and thoughts swirling inside my mind, which only makes them multiply and become even more overwhelming.

I throw my backpack on the floor, staring at it in frustration. My hands form into fists, and it hurts how my nails dig into my soft flesh. My eyes burn as I walk away from the bag, and I immediately sit on my bed and clutch my hair aggressively while trying not to break apart.

My head begins to hurt as I struggle to not tear up. I recall how Yara once called this state, "holding onto a single shard, letting your hands bleed as you try your absolute best as to not crack it."

I swear to God, the way she can bring words together to form a sentence that somehow manages to reach my heart, it's really calming. She never comforts me or pities me, she understands me, and I like that.

Speaking of Yara, I'm at a point that I am ready to break something if I didn't talk about all this shit I'm feeling. So I take out my phone and try to type correctly since my tears are blurring my vision. Pathetic.

✪ 𝗒𝖺𝗋𝖺
✪ 𝖺𝗋𝖾 𝗎 𝖺𝗐𝖺𝗄𝖾 𝗋𝗇
𒊹︎ 𝗂 𝖺𝗆 𝖭𝖮𝖶
𒊹︎ 𝗆𝖺𝖺𝗆 𝗂𝗍𝗌 𝗋𝗅𝗅𝗒 𝖾𝖺𝗋𝗅𝗒 𝖿𝗈𝗋 𝗆𝖾 𝗋𝗇
𒊹︎ 𝗁𝖾𝗒
𒊹︎ 𝗎 𝗈𝗄？

I sniff, trying to stop my tears. I'm so used to crying, since the only way I can fall asleep is by crying until I do, but for some reason, I feel like this is something else, something true and genuine.

Yara keeps asking what happened and why did I go quiet, but I'm struggling to piece my words together.

✪ 𝖼𝖺𝗇 𝗂 𝗏𝖾𝗇𝗍
𒊹︎ 𝗈𝖿𝖼𝖼𝖼𝖼𝖼 𝗀𝗈 𝖺𝗁𝖾𝖺𝖽
✪ 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝗂𝗌 𝗀𝗈𝗇𝗇𝖺 𝖻𝖾 𝖺 𝗅𝗈𝗇𝗀 𝗉𝖺𝗋𝖺𝗀𝗋𝖺𝗉𝗁 𝖻𝗍𝗐
𒊹︎ 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗉𝗈𝗂𝗇𝗍？

My fingers immediately get to work, writing word after word, my mind goes wild as I somehow manage to transform my emotions into words. The intensity I put into each one, the desperation and the worry, it all just makes my head an even worse chaos. I can almost feel myself detach from what I was typing, yet I was slowly spilling more and more of my feelings, aware but too dazed to even think it through.

I've never spoken this much of my emotions to anyone, yet I felt like this was probably gonna end well. I didn't even detect where that sudden hope came from, but I pictured that maybe, by the end of this conversation, I wouldn't feel as bad as I did. I let it happen, and I sent my long paragraph.