memory bank

reflection: child free by choice

Tw: parental abuse, medical trauma, sexual abuse, pregnancy,

1 year reflection

When I started to date after having my surgery I would ask the big life question right up top: do you want to have kids? I felt it was respectful mostly because I'm not going to drag someone along that does want this, the chance of being a parent which is what they were meant to be. Thankfully at least in this instance they would either say that they didn't, so I knew that I had to be cautious, or they would just unmatch me.

I don't know if I was ever meant to be a mother. This isn't to say I don't think I would raise a child adequately and make sure that all their needs and try to make their wants happen. On the contrary, I think I would be too focused of a parent. I would lose myself to make up for some feelings in myself. I would lose myself in the identity of being a good mom. Not saying perfect or doesn't fail but I don't think my brain ever really understood the difference between being good and not failing.

Little girls talk about growing up playing with baby dolls. They'll talk about mothering them, focusing their precious moments of independence in learning how to caretake for another. That may be more simplified and doesn't count for those that found this to be not only caretaking but play. Protecting the discomfort of those that chose parenthood negates the deeply rooted fear and physical distress the thought of pregnancy put my mind in.

When I was 13 my mother had me take a pregnancy test. My period had started about a year or two earlier and wasn't regulated. The other women in my family had consistent menstrual cycles so it made no sense why mine was missing sometimes. Now I don't fault my mother for this suspicion as she had every right to be. I was having unprotected sex at the time and I was having a lot of it. It was my first boyfriend and I thought that's what we do. However my mom didn't know that. No one in my family did. I didn't feel like I could talk to them about it without being ashamed. Why was I feeling the strong desires and why did I feel I didn't have the choice but to say yes. But it wasn't because he forced me. There was something inside of myself that knew this was something that was done intimately, it was meant to be a secret because if it wasn't, well.

You end up at 13 taking a pregnancy test.

I'll save you all the details but the test was negative. Somehow instead of making me cautious not to engage in this behavior All it told me was pregnancy is bad. I felt a sense that I would shame the family and put us at risk. It was framed to me that by me having a child it could potentially ruin everything and send my family and myself home.

It has been 365 days, plus or minus a few hours, since I was rolled into an operating room and changed the course of my life. June 2022 I went in for a standard gynecology appointment. After 15 years I found a gynecologist that would let me tie my tubes. I was thrilled because giving birth is not for me. But that's just one part. Other provider gave me all the stereotypical reasons as to why they would not provide me this procedure.  There are many reasons why I personally did not want to have children. While I would offer you the list people have become offended for my reasons of my not having children. All I can offer to you is if I'm not 100% committed to being a mother I will not put a child through that struggle with me. And I am not willing to put 100% of my commitment into a child. But I digress.

A few days later I get the call: positive pap smear. I don't remember much about health class and what a positive pap smear actually meant. There wasn't time to process as the woman on the other end of the phone was helping me schedule a biopsy appointment the following month. She told me it was called a colposcopy. it was an outpatient procedure and I'd get more details in the coming weeks. I remember sitting next to a 7-Eleven/laundry in my car. I have one more appointment of the day and I had to sit on this information.