apocalypse | 18+

12.

SUGAR PLUM FAIRY

there was havoc in his eyes. but it was the comforting environment of his front seat that made me feel okay. he drove in silence. we ate in silence. he stopped drinking after day six. i think it's because he ran out. i think.

he was a lot quieter when he wasn't drunk. it made more space for me to write in my notebook about things that we'll forget.

we were still on our journey to my grandfathers piano room. it had finally become warm enough to drive after a week of intense cold winds, it was just starting to be bearable with all the new supplies we found to keep the car warm.

we had a big gas supply as well. i dunno if it's so safe for him to smoke cigarettes in a car full of gasoline, but i let him anyways. i trusted that he wouldn't set us on fire in this car just yet.

he didn't even play music that day. the day we slipped below the michigan border to Illinois. still hours away, he didn't seem to mind the quiet.

"are you okay?" i finally asked. it was the first time i had talked to him besides arguing about how he would always be asleep or drinking or just straight up ignoring me. the first time he was sober and awake enough to listen.

he still said nothing, just keeping his eyes on the road, watching the cigarette smoke swirl in front of him.

i sat up and folded my page in my notebook, sitting it down. "hello?" i called out. he just sat there, dead in the eyes.

i removed my seatbelt and then he slammed on the breaks making me jump. "put it back on," he said sharply. "right now."

"no, fuck you. i'm leaving," i said narrowing my eyes at him, and then i grabbed the door handle and opened the door.

he got out of the car and shut my door. i gasped and opened it again. we began opening and shutting the passenger door back and forth like lunatics. each time was harder and more dramatic than the one before.

he had nothing in his eyes, and i had so much fire and annoyance in mine. he was driving me nuts with all of his dramatic mopping behavior.

i then crawled over to his side and then he got in the passenger,  grabbing me by my waist and sitting me on his lap abruptly.

"can we call a truce?" he said with a sigh.

i snatched my arms away from him and turned to face him on his lap. "don't touch me."

"i'm sorry," he said raising his hands up. "you can get off me."

instead i got comfortable. "i'm fine thanks."

he smirked, "you are so random," he said with a shaky exhale. "i have no idea if you're gonna rip my head off or snuggle me."

"let's not assume the latter," i said narrowing my eyes at him. this made him smile.

"you're not scary, you know," he said. i crossed my arms and made a face. i wasn't trying to be. i was just annoyed. "you're like tinker bell level of scary."

"can you stop doing this?" i said with a groan, and then i crawled into the backseat in annoyance. i didn't wanna be close to his confusing ass anymore.

"what?" he turned to face me in the backseat. i kicked my legs over the headrest.

"you were just acting like you can't stand me, and a few days ago you literally said you couldn't live without me-"

he furrowed those fucking eyebrows like it was a sport, "i did?" he said in pure shock.

my mouth opened and closed a few times, "y-yeah...you said a lot of stuff...and you tried to kiss me."

he smirked, "I remember that," he laughed like it wasn't the reason why he was being a complete weirdo for the past week.

"you cried..." i trailed off trying to get him to remember. "you said if died...you would die too."

he rolled his eyes at me. and for the first time time he hurts my feelings. "i would never say that. that's so bullshit," he almost seemed offended?

i then shut my open mouth, and nodded. and then stretched out over the backseat turning my back to him.

his words swooned me, subdued me even. for him i felt things i hadn't been able to put into words before. he made me feel that day. that just doesn't happen for me. and he can't even remember those words? he can't remember the way he turned me soft momentarily. he can't remember how much i valued looking into his eyes when he cried.

it was my mistake for looking into them for so long. had i just closed mine and leaned forward maybe i would have a resolution for the erratic beating in my chest when he looks at me. not just "looks" but when he really looks at me for what i am.

and what i am is venerable.

he knows.

it was my turn to be silent.

"are you alright?" he asked after switching to the driver's seat again.

"i'm wonderful," i said shakily. i didn't know why, but i felt myself feeling lonely and let down. confused and relieved at the same time.

there is no love in the world when it's ending, this is the absolute worst place to fall in love.

i guess i cried because i didn't like the idea of even maybe feeling something for someone who drinks themself into developing feelings for someone. it made me scared and excited at the same time.

i wanted him to soothe me and talk to me and at the same time i wanted to run away from him as fast as i could.

this man was. this man is.

"her?" he called, i pretended to be asleep. "sweet dreams scientist."

i smiled with dead eyes and a sick stomach.

THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF THE END.