Whispers From The Dark

Hollow Engravings

I thought I was right; that I was on the right track, that I did not need anything else; anyone else. I thought I'd moved on good; that since random thoughts of you no longer came to mind when I did even the things we did together again, I'd forgotten you.

But I didn't. Maybe my mind did for the time, the period, but just as quickly as I felt connected to you when we first met those many years ago, I suddenly realize something deep, so crushing I can't actually feel anything as I write; so overwhelming that the need to pen this down was too much, too urgent, that I might at least have a let-out where I could detail my foolish ideals once more. And that it is for this very reason that I dedicate this letter to you—though you will never get to read it.

When we first met, I thought I found a friend. But of course you turned out to be more than that; someone more dear to my heart, though even then I couldn't have recognized this feeling at first. But as I talked to you for longer hours, more likes shared, more secrets entrusted, more laughter in the texts though I couldn't see you, I knew what it was. I had fallen too much for another person, too deep now to turn back, too sunken to ask for revival. But I was glad I did. And I told you, but you didn't share the same thoughts, not that you really didn't, but I fear that why you said so was because you couldn't trust someone with your heart just yet, and hence came the reject. Nothing happened to us just yet, but it was looming, I could feel it, time was all I needed to tell.

You first disappeared those 7 months, and I remember them being the longest of my life. But as a defence mechanism, adrenaline kicked in when I met someone else that had the same crystal voice, unmistakable courage, and elegant grace; and so I was dazed. It happened fast for those three days and I felt myself talking with, laughing with , sharing with her the same way I did with you. And I thought I had forgotten you. But it didn't last. One day the excitement was gone, the sparks missing and I didn't know why but everything became blank space. And I ended it.

You appeared again and I was glad I would not be guilty of hurting someone who trusted me when really it was not her my heart would get torn for. We talked again, but like last time it didn't last, this time because you didn't let it. I made another friend but this was someone I would come to love, cherish and care for as much as I did for you, only not in the same way as I looked at you, for she would be a friend to me always, and nothing else.

You came back yet again and this time it lasted for more than a year. We did talk, just not like before; we did converse, but no longer deep, for you had changed as did your choices, goals and I suspect, mentality. I loved still even then that it upset me so; for I was disgusted with myself for caring when you clearly wanted this wall between us. This continued, and slowly I estranged myself, so much so that I thought I had forgotten you, for I no longer thought of you on quiet days. And because of this sprang the need to find someone else I could give my love, for you had left it rotting, dirty and down for good. I got attracted to someone I really liked at the time, so much to the point I thought it was love. But it didn't last. It did last for a year, but not long enough to erase you completely. And so again I begin to estrange myself and I can see it ending in a few weeks.

I, again, am so sorrowful that I do not know what to make of these thoughts and so I pen them down. I begin to think of you again, even as I write this letter, and I realize what I should have many, oh many years ago: my heart has chosen you, and no one else. Even on this day when I am saddest, I think of you. I feel that, I know that, the two chances that had happened along the way had happened only because you were the benchmark. My heart had in the very deepest part, engraved your name and when I , thinking I had forgotten had chosen to move on, my heart had, together with my mind found someone that could act if only for a while, as replacement to you. But that was what it was, and I fear that that is what it will always be.

I can not seem to forget you, nor can I erase you from within; and so it is with deepest sadness that I write you, oh to you, that if I ever could live again as a man well beyond capacity of sanity and reason, I must be with you. I do not care for how many infinites might challenge this resolve, but I on this day have, with the deepest tenderness my heart have ever shown felt this way for someone, and it is you.

And so I say let it be that you on the day you read this, if ever, think of the time when love could be shown until it was no longer crimson.