Whispers From The Dark

Pain

I've heard about it so many times I thought I might just be used to it; that even if it did come, my familiarity would shield me in near perfect blankets. I would be saved the ultra rays so red they burn; I would be saved the feelings that seem so unfair to be within; and that I would if ever, never feel the pain.

But why, oh why does it be the opposite? Why does feeling like this feel so right and so wrong at the same time? Why do I get to think these thoughts when you probably are within your veils of indifference.. why oh God? Why does it feel so unfair!!?

I'd let you creep in; I did. But not before I told you that this soul you see is as fragile as fine china, more delicate than young eggs, more sensitive than most creatures ever will be.. and that when I fall, I fall so deep and for so long it feels like a never ending decline in an abyss. I told you these when you asked why I never told you I love you back when you said it Everytime. I told you when I go, I go all in and it's not just a side fling for me. It's something deeper, more touchy than sour wounds when hurt and far grey than the sky would ever be. I told you my heart had been wounded before and it could collapse entirely if it should toter again. I said all these and you constantly seized my mind, you conquered it like some warlord does a city with much spoil. But tell me, what happens after? Do you leave just like the rest in search of even bigger scores...

I feel terrible, I feel at the lowest, I feel so depressed even the word can't convey the depth of emotion lingering at the fringes. I feel so bad that I have these thoughts and that I may be judging too quickly; and believe me, you don't know just how many times I have given an excuse to explain your actions...or rather what you never did. I paint them so clearly on this fine canvas in my mind, my brain composes the story and leaves everything in Harmony until the next puzzle piece comes which I can't place.. so I break the old story and recreate another... God, I have never ever ever felt this way not even when I thought I was at my lowest. This is so new to me, so strange to me. Why do you have to hurt me this way?

I feel so stupid, so used, so downtrodden and broken that no outcast could ever understand me if ever I tell my story. It gets even worse because I think you are just perfect, living on, moving away from the life you created with me—made me create—that it's so aggravating when I know that I'm the only one who feels this way. And you? You're living the best of your teenage times, free with no regrets. I would have nothing against that o God, nothing, but why did it have to be at the expense of a soul so broken it takes the strongest glue to patch and the lines still never go away? Why did it have to be me you break when all I ever did was give you love?

Why do I have to feel this pain in new ways that gets deeper by the minute alone while you get to move on? Why does it get to be me who's always left behind this way, broken, sunken, deprived of oxygen to survive?

Why do I still love you this way so real it feels excruciatingly unfair? I loved you. I still do, so much it hurts; because I know you might never have even loved me from the start.

And that's pain I guess—I never knew the meaning of. And on this night I have never cried for another but I cry so much within I feel drunk, I think I don't want to wake up...

I'll burn..I'll disappear and no one would notice. You..You taught me what it really means to feel pain.