Letters for you

To my Primary school 20th June 2015

Most of you destroyed my life. Telling me that I was stupid or that I wasn't trying. You expect me to be clever just because I was great at maths. You pushed me beyond my limits and now wounder why I hate school.

Not all of you, some of you didn't know.

None of you helped me, I told you I didn't want to go out at break and you didn't think that there was anything wrong. I missed school or went home pretending to be ill and again nothing. I cried and you believed my lies.

You thought I was clever and had great expectations but told me I was stupid.

I was only six. You messed my life up in so many ways.

I don't trust people because of you.
I don't admit I'm hurt because of you.
I think that if I'm wrong then it means I'm stupid, and that stupid is a horrible thing.
I don't love myself because of you.
I try to fit in because of you, to stay at the back middle if the crowd, to hide.
I can't socialise because of you.
E.g.

You fucked me up and I just wonder how different I would have turned out if I went somewhere else.

I'm sorry that I blame it all on you but I've had enough blaming myself.

I've had enough blaming myself for:

How I hate myself.
How I want and wish to die/end.
How I lie and pretend.
How I make myself believe I'm getting better or that I have a chance at happiness.

You taught me that the wrong thing was okay as long as I don't get caught.

That it's fine to swear all the time.
That it's okay to fight and punch people.
That gossiping and back chatting is fine.

I realised later that it isn't but it's so hard to wash out, because it's at the root of my basic coding.

From the sweet girl you broke.