Summer Nightmares

Five

Sydney Jules López

My father named me Sydney because he met my mother in Sydney, one summer night in 1999. My mother named me Jules. Middle-named, actually. She took the chance of naming me the moment they got divorced. She never told me the reason why she named me Jules. She didn't tell me a lot of things.

"Jules, you'll always find your father in Sydney and if you ever- ever, need me, remember, you can always come back home to me." She had whispered to me at my father's funeral while the people were giving us strange looks.

She was the one to blame, they said. She was the reason his heart gave out, they said.

She had lost her mind and her grace, they said.

And yet, she spent the whole day sitting on my father's grave, whispering the little apologies and wishing she could make it alright.

It was her fault. Everything in my father's life was her fault. Everything in her life was her fault. Everything in my life was her fault. I know it's stupid to blame someone you don't know much about but I couldn't help it. I had screamed and shouted at her the day she died in the car accident and all I could think of was, 'I was in the car too. Was she trying to get us in that accident willingly?'

Yes.

I know the answer was 'yes'.

I couldn't believe it.

Until I finally did.

The next day, I woke up, annoyed, to the sunlight falling on my eyes. Last night, I could hardly get any sleep because all I kept thinking about was the person who almost caught us.

What if we were getting in trouble the first thing in the morning? This can't be happening. Not when I promised Emily 'no more troubles'. But I didn't feel bad about sneaking out, breaking the rules and running scared. I had done something bad but then why did I feel so good?

"What's wrong?" Miles looked at me with a raised brow.

"No-nothing?" I stuttered and cursed myself when my words came out more as a question.

"You've been staring at the wall for the past fifteen minutes, Sydney," he frowned, "I'm sorry I held your hand last night, if that's what's bumming you."

In a minute he apologized and it was the nicest someone had ever been to me. Someone who didn't know me and wasn't being nice just because I had a history of stories ending miserably.

"Do you think we're going to get in trouble?" I asked, stepping on the cold wooden floorboard beneath my bare feet.

"Is Kai being a bad influence on you, Sydney?" He grinned and his blue eyes reflected the sky in the sunlight.

"And I thought I could get an answer that'd make me feel better," I rolled my eyes at him and walked out of the cabin playing around with a cigarette between my fingers.

The entire morning, we were cleaning the one-storied building next to the cafeteria for the movie night. There were spider-webs and boxes covered in dust and white blankets. The building had a rather unusually high ceiling and it was designed like a big milk crate with a lid on top. The other kids were cleaning the graffiti on the oakwood walls, scrubbing the floor and dusting the ceiling while we put the dusty boxes outside.

I had only been camping once when Mom and Julia had wanted me to have the best day instead of crying over the so-called friends who were mean to me. I was eight at the time and we drove all the way to the Blue Ridge Mountains in the evening while I complained about the mean kids in Mom's lap.

Only this time I couldn't tell anyone how scared I was.

I lifted up the boxes and handed them over to Kai who was definitely not liking this any better than me. Regina groaned and got up stretching her arms and back. She'd been sitting on the ground for an hour, dusting the boxes and handing Miles a tissue paper every other minute.

"Miles, you could've just told Miguel you are allergic to dust," Regina groaned, handing him another tissue paper. Miles didn't say a word and gently brushing off his bangs from his electric-blue eyes, took the tissue.

He looked freaking beautiful when he was calm and quiet and concentrating on something. He looked so damn beautiful. Blood rushed into my cheeks and I cursed myself for everything I was feeling. I told Kai, I wasn't up for lifting another ten boxes and that I was going back to the cabin because I wasn't feeling good.

He opened his mouth to say something but Regina cut him off saying, "I'll lift the rest of the boxes with Kai. Call me if you need anything, okay?" She offered me a small smile.

All I could think was 'run' like someone was trying to chase me down to death. There was so much going on in my head that I couldn't even walk past the trees in the quiet forest and listen to my thoughts because they were all horrible things.

And I was breaking my promise. I had promised myself I'd never let anyone in my life. I'd never hurt any more people because of who I was. I had promised I would feel nothing and I was doing so well, living my life with the curtains closed as I drowned into my poisoned nightmares all alone.

Well done, Sydney. You're falling in love.

I looked around to find I had run all the way to the lake. Hours passed by and I didn't feel like stepping in the cabin ever again so I sat there on the green grass next to the lake as my hand traced around the pattern of the grass underwater until it finally touched the wet soil and I let my hand sink in.

Sinking. Feeling. And losing myself to my thoughts that grew on me like a garden.

There are times when I know I'm feeling the urge to ruin myself, to light another cigarette and let it hurt me because I deserve it. Times when I know that it ruined my mother and it will ruin me but I don't fight back. I call off my troops.

I called off my troops.