I Would Have

Not A Chapter

Song I Had Playing While I Typed: 

Stick Season (Her Version)-Deeps 

"I called up my grandmother, she asked me what was up.
I told her I just broke the only heart I've truly ever loved." 

"I think that if I piled something right on all my wrongs I could
Cancel out the heartache I inherited from mom." 

Not an update, and I'm sorry. I didn't have hardly any readers, I know, but this story was very personal to me in the sense that it gave me a healthy outlet to process my grief over losing a situationship, losing my dogs, meeting someone new, and falling in love all over again. 

Ryot was actually a character created from my situationship, from his looks to his kiddos, right down to his attitude. He taught me to ride a sportbike, taught me that it's healthy, healing even to be open and honest in therapy. The therapy entries you read in the book are actual entries I had to write out for my therapist, to explain my viewpoints and thought process on the topics. There are several more that didn't get posted. He taught me that not everyone is bad. Taught me to believe in myself, to see the sunshine in the shitshow. Most importantly he taught me to love myself, scars and flaws and all. He taught me that love is worth trusting a second time. And I learned that, in loving him, I learned I could survive another heartbreak. It wasn't easy. Gods, no. It sucked. It was days without sleep, a solid nine without eating. It was my friends sitting on the phone with me because I was too scared and broken to sleep alone. (That was for their benefit too, I wasn't exactly a trustworthy person at that point.) But mostly I learned that nobody hurts so badly they can't recover. 

The characters (even the ex and my dogs) are based off very real people I've met and had the pleasure or displeasure of knowing. My ex was extremely abusive and enjoyed putting his hands on me. All of that is true. The night I packed my things and left him, he put the barrel of his loaded pistol in my mouth and said I had "pissed him off so much he wanted to pull the trigger." I really did grab my dogs and leave with nothing more than a few bags. I still cannot look at a handgun the same. 

My beloved dogs, Peaches the Dalmatian and Ida the Great Dane were my actual dogs. They were the sweetest, kindest, sassiest dogs I've ever met. They lived for their mama like I lived for them. Earlier this year, on January 6th and January 15th, my sweet loves were ripped from my life, leaving my world and my heart in complete and utter devastation. My biological father paid off the neighbor to hit Peaches, she died in my arms while I told her how sorry I was and how loved she was, and how grateful I was to have had her in my life. Nine days later, Ida Jean was ripped out of my world forever, when I put her in her pen outside to potty, and my biological father began tormenting her to the point she was jumping and pushing against the fence. She jumped, he pushed, she broke her neck when she landed. The officer that I had been talking to, Officer Collee, ironically, came out to view the scene and confirmed my fear. I lost both of my girls, in the same month, just days apart, because my biological father did not want me living there anymore. Out of that tragedy I gained the last of Peaches's "oopsie" puppies (I thought she was just getting fat), and she has been my motivation to get up every morning. She has healed me in ways I cannot even begin to describe. 

Officer Collee is based, very tightly, on the lovely officer I've been talking to since last July. He sees me for me, and handles me with such kindness and care and absolute patience. It's a little nerve wracking. But he knows I am far from healed. He is gentle with my past, patient and reassuring with my fears, and so dang sweet and loving to my trauma. He sees all of it, every last ounce, and has never once gotten upset or frustrated or angry with me about it. The first night we actually got together, I had a little too much to drink, and word vomited (not physically vomited, thank the Gods) everything my ex-husband had done. By the end of his shift the next day, he had an inside man watching him on his department, as he had been harassing me in the past. He has been nothing short of thoughtful, and nothing short of understanding when it comes to my fears. (Except roly polies. He doesn't get that one, and won't smash them when I ask him too.) I truly owe a lot of my healing to him, for being so dang patient with me while I unlearn the habits I adopted in order to survive. He's been a wonderful help. His appearance, attitude, and teasing/sassiness is all accurate as well, and most of their conversations are how we actually met, and also the comments made between us. He ended up getting me through my first semester of college, providing wake up calls at 0600 when he got off, and braving the grumbling and growling, too. (I'm not a morning person in real life. Don't judge.) 

Hunter, Savannah, Coda, Lisa, and Tyson are also based on very real people. They are all close friends, with one now being an acquaintance, and they all loved me in ways I cannot begin to explain, even when I was unlovable. I owe two of them my life, as they sat with me on the nights I couldn't stomach being alone.  Savannah gave me somewhere to call home while I struggled to find sense in my life. Lisa gave me an unwavering friendship that has lasted going on six years now. Tyson gave me the courage to trust love one more time. And Hunter gave me the strength to talk down a grown man, something I could never do before without having an anxiety attack. (I still struggle with it.) I would not have made it as far as I did without them 

With all that being said, every single situation that was in this little book was real. It was something I went through on my healing journey, and while I might continue writing this, I think for now it's best if I take a break. This book saved my life, in more ways than one. I would like to think that I am a fighter, when really, I'm just too stubborn to quit. I will always have "one more day" and "one more try" in me, until I stop breathing. With that being said, I will be linking my Insta and Snap in my bio at some point. If you ever need someone to be the person who helps you, gives you the strength and support you need to crawl back out of the dark, shoot me a message. I have been there, time and time again. I know exactly how hard it is to come back from that. I do. It isn't easy, and it royally freaking sucks. But the other side is absolutely beautiful. I'm a place of safety, I offer no judgement, only the same kindness and gentleness that was extended to me. 

Now that that essay is over, thank you sincerely if anyone actually read this sad little autobiography. I appreciate you all more than you know.