I Would Have

Pointless

Song for this Chapter:
Pointless- Lewis Capaldi

"From all my airs and graces
To the little things I do
Everything is pointless without you
Of all the dreams I'm chasing
There's only one I choose
Everything is pointless without you"

*Isadora*

Packing was never her strong suit. It didn't help that she'd worked thirteen hours, came back, only to find him cuddled on the couch with Kayla. She'd smirked at Isadora and cuddled back further into his chest, leaving Isadora's heart feeling like it had been ripped from her chest all over again. Kayla was only going to string him along until she found "new meat." He was going to get hurt, and there was nothing she could do to stop it that wouldn't make her seem like a b-tch.

She wasn't overly attached to him, no, but the way the woman had looked at her, as if to rub it in her face, said enough about her intentions.

Isadora sighed, rubbing her eyes tiredly. She was exhausted, and her twenty minute nap hadn't helped in the slightest. With a sigh, she leaned forward onto a pillow, staring at her half-finished therapy assignment. Vince had told her to rewrite the entry about him. Because she'd been holding back.

With a shaky hand, she starts on her assignment. She keeps most of it the same, changing up and adding a few words and parts.

"Ryot.

I don't know what you want from me. I really don't. I wasn't holding back, but whatever. Here goes.

We matched. Right off, agreed, just friends with benefits, nothing serious, no strings attached. He was still hung up on his ex, I am too much, not enough, too traumatized for a relationship. I know how my annoyingly big heart is. I knew I'd get attached, and I accepted it with open arms. I still do. It'll suck, yeah, but he's not John or Caleb. He won't hurt me intentionally. Even if he does, I am prepared for it.

What I didn't expect though, was for him to start to give a sh-t, to start to care. I'm not someone to give a sh-t about. Sorry but I'm not. I can't be. I can't allow myself to be. I'm not going to be around long after Aden's eighteenth birthday. I'd like to minimize the casualties.

I knew I was screwed when I talked him down, and even though he was scaring me, I did it without hesitation. He said I saved him, that he wouldn't be here had I not have jumped in and held his head up. I think it's the other way around though. I wouldn't be here without him. He saved me in so many more ways than he realizes. Before I met him, I was a shell of myself. I didn't know who I was, not really. I only knew who I was expected to be, and he changed that. He healed my inner child, and taught her peace. He saw her for who she was, who I am, and loved her anyway.

I'm a few shots in at this point, Vince. I don't want to hear any patronizing comments about how I'm coping.

He became the person I wanted when Caleb put his hands on me while I was out for a run. When I did cave and tell him part of what happened, he didn't offer judgement, didn't get mad. Veronica asked what I was wearing, and stepdad said he understood the motive behind it. He will be the person I want if anyone ever puts their hands on me again. He might always be. He makes me feel safe.

He doesn't make fun of or pick when I'm having a rough day with my BPD. He doesn't judge or offer judgement if I'm having a manic episode. Doesn't get angry or upset when I get in my head. He calms my anxiety, stops my attacks. He tries to. He does his best to control his temper, he tries. He's so patient and kind and gentle. It's a h-ll of an adjustment, going from reactions of anger and frustration to responses of patience and love. He's only ever come close to losing his temper, or actually losing his temper, with me, once. And I think once he realized how badly it hurt, it scared me, he's become more aware and made an even bigger effort to not let it happen again.