Permanent in the Stars

11: Aurora

 Weeks pass and my life feels like it's been flipped upside down. I'm walking without assistance now. I try to ignore the constant pain that my body is in and frequently daydream about going to my bedroom and rotting for a few days.

These days I feel slow. Lazy. When I wake up, I want to stay in bed. This happens to me as winter draws closer. We've moved into November so quickly and time is slipping through my fingers. Thanksgiving is a week away and I'm looking forward to the 4 day weekend the school gives us.

I don't plan to go home, both my parents will be out of town, so there's really no point. My roommate will be gone for a break and I'll have the house to myself. I plan to only leave for nature walks and emergencies.

"Well, that's all I had for today," my professor says as he reaches the last slide in his lecture powerpoint presentation. "We have about 10 minutes, I'll stick around for questions, but you guys are free to go early."

I close my laptop and gather all my things to put them in my backpack. As I wait in the small line of students wanting to ask a question, I watch my peers.

Some walk in small packs or duos. Laughing and talking with their friends in the class. Others are by themselves. The ones by themselves look at the floor, or pretend to be doing something important on their phone.

"Ms. Bakker," the professor says. I draw my attention to him, not realizing I'd been next in line. "Don't tell me you're letting the upcoming break distract you."

"No." He must've caught me zoned out. "Just got caught up in people watching."

"Have you thought about taking philosophy class?" He always tries to push students to try multiple subjects. To explore different points of study adds subsistence.

"Yeah, I plan to give it a try next quarter." Of course, he'd already pushed philosophy on me after I submitted the most recent essay.

"Good. Now what can I help you with?"

"You mentioned that you worked for The Nature Conservancy. I was just wondering if you have any advice on getting into an organization like that?"

"What is it that you want to do specifically?"

"Right now I want to work on natural climate solutions. Who knows if that will change, but that's what life after graduation hopefully looks like."

"Do you have an internship anywhere right now?"

"No, but it is something I'm interested in if you know any place looking."

"I'll email you some resources that will be useful."

"Thank you." I always get nervous speaking to professors, but they really are the best resources on campus. I've been wanting to pick up an internship that will get me through the rest of the year. But with the club and working at the garden, it's hard to find time to even think about an internship.

I walk out of the lecture hall, blinded by the sun. It's warm for a fall day and the long sleeve I have on feels like the wrong choice. I roll up my sleeves, not paying any attention to my surroundings and bumping directly into someone who grabs my upper biceps. "Slow your roll speed racer." Oliver is staring down at me with a smile. "Hi Rory."

"Oliver. Hi," I say. We still talk, but not as much. It seems like the more I healed, the more distant he became. Now that I'm almost back to functioning normal, I see him maybe once a week.

What's confusing is that one day a week is the best time ever. We have so much fun together and I know that it's not one sided. Josie says that he's probably just busy with hockey and I try to believe that but in the back of my head, I'm just waiting for him to leave. That's what will happen here. I'm letting things run its course though, trying to stay positive.