Where Are We Now? (Marina)

Quaranta.

Carina

The world really did have a twisted sense of humor.

My head was empty. My body... empty.

Just when I started to get used to the idea that something was there, it was gone. That the small little seed would grow and I only had days left before hearing its heart for the first time.

Now I never would. Which just sounded preposterous. How from one day to the next I was not longer expecting, even though I was still nauseous. I was still tender over my breasts and tasting metal. What do you mean I lost it!?

It felt like I left my body at the first site of that empty ultrasound. That I left my body and no matter how much I kicked and screamed at myself to get up out of bed, I couldn't. I watched Maya hold me in the arms that usually made me feel like the world wasn't closing in around me. The arms that protected me from everything.

The shaky breaths against my temple told me she probably wished she could protect me from this too.

Maya had a limp left arm and a tear along the knee of her uniform pants. I watched as she held my lifeless body until someone came in and tore Maya away to do X-rays and talk with her since I refused.

I went back to kicking and screaming at this visual of me curled into myself, hiding in the darkness I wished would just consume me. I watched through the window as Maya spoke to Dr. Thomas and my brother who was on crutches.

Maya nodded and argued with my brother while I turned away as my wife probably scolded him for not saying I'd felt sick since I walked into the hospital that morning. Something had been off since the night before and I didn't want to believe it.

I don't want to believe it.

When night fell I still didn't talk as Maya helped me put on my clothes with her arm not in a sling. I willed my body to move. To keep going. To ask her why the fuck she was hurt!

The car ride home was quiet as I sat in my thoughts and questioned my body. This happened. It was more common than not. Most women would experience it at least once in their life and it didn't necessarily mean anything was wrong.

I knew this. I did. THIS is what I did for a living. What I had devoted a better part of my life to understanding the risk factors and signs for. To find the reasons when in reality our bodies were wiser than science and consciousness.

Living it is much different.

So different. I felt like I should send an apology to every woman I've ever tried to comfort after the fact.

Because there was no comfort.

I know that now. I know that if I touch my back to my bed I'd have a hard time getting up. I'd drown in my pain.

So I didn't. I couldn't go to bed. Maya gestured me to join her. The look of despair on her face when I didn't made me kick and scream at myself as I watched myself leave her hand held out and walk to the bathroom to throw up.

There was nothing in my stomach to get rid of since I had started feeling dizzy and faint over 24 hours before. Food just made me more nauseous and now my body was still adjusting. It still believed something was there and I hated the feeling more than ever. The illusion continued to shatter as more brain induced symptoms happened.

Maya brought me the glass of water she had laid out for me and ran her hand over my back, but I couldn't handle the warmth of her touch. It pained me and she must have seen it on my face because her hand disappeared. I couldn't get myself to speak because everything that would leave my mouth would be bullshit.