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CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT *mention of suicide* ☆
It hurts. It is every part of my body including my heart. Carrying this secret and hiding it from her is draining and I thought it would take longer after we made up to start feeling guilty but it set in the moment she let me back in. I want to tell her. I want to tell her so bad but I won't. I don't want her heart to hurt the way mine does knowing after 4 months she will no longer see me again. I'd kill myself before letting her deal with the fact that I'm going to die.
She'd never stop thinking about it and things would change. I want everything to be the same. I want her to look at me and not see her dying girlfriend. I laugh to myself at the thought of the word. We never made it official. All this time we haven't said the word girlfriend. I mentally added that to my bucket list but quickly removed it.
It would only make things more painful. I can't commit to her like that and it hurts because I know she'll ask why we never made it a thing.
I can't put her through that simply but complicatedly because I love her. I've tried to deny it to myself but I can't. There's no other way I can describe why I feel such a pull to her. Why my chest get tight and I feel like everything is wrong when she's not near me. I'm in love.
I'm not sure when I came to that conclusion but this is the first time I've admitted it to myself. Ever since I left her place last night I've been replaying her reaction constantly in my head. The way she looked at me like I was a sick cause made me feel even worse.
Which is why I can't tell her I have cancer. It'll be way too much and she won't be the same. She'll spend every waking minute thinking about it and trying to make the best of the time we have left. I don't want her to feel rushed or pained. I want her to love me the way she wants to. At her pace.
I want her to love me.
I replay the thought in my head as I stare down at the resort brochure my mom and I went to when I was ten. She took me there as a birthday present and I immediately fell in love with it. Everything about it was so magical and movie-like. I didn't want to leave. My mom had to literally drag me to the airport and we got stopped multiple times by security because they thought she was kidnapping me.
Every time I think about It I remember the seafood restaurant we went to where I ate loads of shrimp back to back. My mom joked that I would turn into a shrimp because of how much I ate. Every night before she came to bed she would peek behind the door and ask if I was "Mrs. Shrimpy" or her daughter. It made me laugh so hard and I remember it as my happiest moment. Sadly, those memories were short-lived.
I smile to myself as I think of taking her there. It's a long shot. VERY long shot but I'm willing to pay whatever if she says she can go. I want us to have a memory that sticks. Something that she can hold on to when I'm gone. Not that stupid fight or that stupid thing I said.
