𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐋𝐄𝐒𝐒

CHAPTER 4

I'm uncomfortable. Readjusting my position on the tiles, I close my eyes. Then I open them. Orion really is beautiful. The Great Hunter, is what they call it. He does look like a hunter, but what if it was something else? I don't know what, but if it were a hunter, what would it be hunting?

The stars are absolutely spectacular tonight. The breeze is such a gift and the drizzle turns everything into a fairy-tale. I love it here. This is my favourite place.

I hear a car so I look down from the rooftop to see my mother leaving her car. I check my phone. It reads 1:43AM. I look back to my mother. She's late again. She seems tired, but in a hurry. Like she doesn't want to be even later. When she enters the house I slide back into my room from the window, and climb into the bed. Tucking myself in. A few minutes later I hear my bedroom door open and footsteps in my room. She walks up to me and kisses my forehead, then slowly leaves.

I wish she could come back earlier, so we could have a proper goodnight. 

It's okay, though. Because I think back to Charlie and his relationship with his parents. Then I pinch myself for wanting more than I already have. That what I have is more than enough. I know that some people would do many things just to have their mother kiss them goodnight.

I lay in the dark, unable to do anything. What does a person even do in this situation? I'm starving, but I can't leave my room. But... I could leave the house.

Minutes later I've changed into clothes and am climbing out the window. I slide down a pipe and  jump onto the grass. With twenty bucks in my pocket, I head off to the nearest store.

There are many where I live, so I entered one of them in under than five minutes. How is the cashier still awake? I peek over the corner; oh, he's not. I search for things I want such as varieties of chips and what-not, before remembering that Charlie gave me some snacks a few hours ago. How could I have forgotten? It happened right after the Kool-Aid situation.

Anyways, I still picked out some chips. Now, I would normally pay for all of this, but since there are no cameras here, and the cashier is asleep, I might as well just leave. It's not like anyone's going to notice, right? Yeah, who would? Nobody. So, I take my things and walk back home.

Actually, I run home. I can hear sirens in the distance which is a normal thing, but it's sort of a habit to run when you hear the sirens after you've done the things I have.

It's not really my fault, though. Because I have something called psychosis. Nobody knows I have it except for Charlie and me. Billie Eilish as well.

I know I do because I've searched it up. My therapist also thinks I'm a bit disturbing, as well as my guidance counsellor. It's the reason I don't have many friends. Because it makes me do things without thinking and makes me see things without me wanting to see them.

It makes me psychotic, and the worst part, is that I sometimes like it.

Not so much when I hear cops, though. But this thievery stuff isn't an impulse. This is just me, being a normal teenager. Teenagers aren't perfect, we ourselves know that better than anyone. Everyone else knows it too, and yet they pressure us the most to be perfect. I don't know why they expect us to be any different. We can't all be as perfect as Rory Gilmore, and even then, she wasn't all that perfect.

But this is life. We have to accept it and move on because if we don't then what the hell else are we supposed to do. 

I don't even realise that I've managed to make it all the way to my room, now. But I have. I settle everything down on my bed and get Charlie's bag from my desk. I haven't even seen what's inside it properly.

I take out the content only to find out everything is from Hershey's.

How does Charlie know me so well?

I look inside to find a handwritten note. It's in his handwriting. I set it aside to read it in the morning. I'm too tired to read it right now. I take the bag of snacks with me to my bed and pour everything out. 

I'm hungry. I'm a girl who's on her period and is hungry, Starving, actually. And there's a whole collection of snacks in front of me. There are a few beverages as well, from Charlie. And yet I can't seem to bring myself to eat anything. It's like, my body wants to eat but I won't let it. I don't know why. I suddenly get a small tingly feeling travelling up my throat, so I run to the bathroom and let it all out. Once, Twice. I lay my head on my arm, then a third time. 

I can't do this. I'm so sore. Why is my body not functioning properly? Am I sick? I probably am. Is this a fever? Have I ever vomited when I got a fever? I don't think so, but I can't remember.

I clean myself up. My body is limp and cold. I carry myself all the way to my bed and throw everything to the ground. I snuggle up under my blanket and try my absolute best to fall asleep. And then I do.

~~
I'm driving a car. Why am I driving a car? This isn't my car. Why am I not driving my own car? Where am I going? Why am I speeding? I try to slow down but I can't. It's like I'm not in control of myself, as if I'm watching this from somebody else's perspective.
I press down harder on the pedal which makes us go even faster. Who is us? It's just me.
Faster and faster and faster with no sign of stopping. Faster and faster and faster all the way down the road. The empty road. There's nothing left or right, just land. No grass or plants or trees, but it's not a sandy desert either. It's land, like cement. Like the entire Earth is one giant road that twirls around forever and never ends because it's a circle. You always end up where you started, because that's how everything is. Everything leads up to the one point where it all started.
I didn't even realise, but suddenly I started to slow down. The car is slowing down, okay. Why am I slowing down, though? There are no red lights. there are no people. No animals. No other vehicles, so why am I slowing down? This doesn't make any sense whatsoever. It's driving me insane. It's making me crazy, because I feel so lonely right now that I start to shake. I start to cry. I hate being lonely, it hurts so much. It's the worst thing anyone could possibly ever feel. The feeling is excruciating and I hope I never ever feel this again, and that nobody ever feels this, because it's too much. Feeling lonely is too much. Being all alone in this world is torture, especially for someone as young as me. The car starts to shake with me. Everything is shaking. I swerve left and right but there's no use. It goes off the rails and flips over. Suddenly, everything goes black.
~~

My eyes slowly stir open. The sunlight is killing me through the blinds, I cover my eyes with my arm. What time is it? I check my phone. 9:47AM. I'm two hours late for school. I check to see if I have any messages. Only one, from mom. It reads the same thing from yesterday morning. She copy pastes it. How hard can it be to casually just tell your daughter good morning? Not so hard, but according to her, we have to repeat the same paragraph to our daughter everyday and hope she won't notice it's the same greeting everyday for the past sixteen years of her existence.

It's okay, though. Because I don't have any other messages, meaning nobody realised I'm still at home. It might be sad if you think about it, but who cares? I know I don't. My mom made it clear she doesn't really care. I mean, she's not really the type to want to listen to how my day went. She doesn't like time wasting conversations. 'We should only talk about important things.' Is what she says.

Again, some people yearn to have their mother kiss them goodnight. Even though they are asleep and don't realise their mother arrives from work at dawn and then again leaves for work at dawn.

It's okay, though. I don't mind because I have the whole house to myself. Like I do, everyday. Every. Single. Day. I'm alone. There's no one really here for me, is there? I know there's not.

Why would God allow there to be someone for me? After all the terrible things I've done, I don't think I deserve anyone, really.

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Word count: 1533

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