𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐋𝐄𝐒𝐒

CHAPTER 6

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I'm in the ocean. Swimming. But I don't know how to swim, so I guess I'm just drowning.
~~

Gasping for air, I jolted up breathless from a nightmare I just had that felt all too real. I feel around me. I'm sticky. Where am I? I'm not in bed. I'm in a... forest. 

I fell asleep in a forest. What beautiful luck. The first thing I do is check my phone. Two missed calls from mom. So the first thing she did when she saw I wasn't in bed was call me. That's nice. But why only twice?

I bet she thinks I'm at a party or something.

I can't really be mad at her, though. It's not her fault. She didn't know that her daughter was going to fall asleep in a forest.

I guess I'm just dumber than a blonde girl in a movie.

I smell disgusting and feel disgusting. I slowly stand up but fall back down. I feel unsteady, unbalanced, weak and tired. I can't walk properly, Everything is blurry and I stink. I vomit on the ground. The janitor can clean that up. 

Once I step out of the forest, I'm nearly run over by a car. A car. Where's my car? What happened yesterday? How'd I get into a- oh. Right. I'm dying of cancer.

How could I forget about that?

The hospital. I need to get to my car and drive home. I run towards the hospital and try to remember where I parked my car. It wasn't in the parking lot, I parked it pretty far away. It was because I don't like crowded places. There it is! I cross the street and start the car with the key that was in my pocket. Since when did I leave it in my pocket? I always keep it inside my shoe, so nobody would rob me.

It may seem weird, but it is what it is.

I press on the pedal so hard and start speeding towards my house. I can't tell mom. I promised last night that I wouldn't tell anyone.

I should call Charlie. Not to tell him about the condition, but to break up with him. I can't date him if I'm dying. He told me he loves me, I can't be with him.

Once I get home I immediately call him and tell him to come over. I try to be ready.

I clean up the living room and go take a shower. Once I get back downstairs, I see him waiting on the couch. He looks up at me. "Didn't wanna enter your room. You don't really like me there."

I nod and go sit next to him. "Charlie, look. I don't know how to say this, because you won't like it."

He takes in a deep breath and nods, his eyebrows furrowing together. "Okay, okay. I know what this is. You sick or something? You were bleeding the other day. Did you get that checked out?"

I look up to him. "Charlie, I'm breaking up with you." I whisper. His expression changes completely. His eyes darken. His mouth barely opens. His nose wrinkles slightly. He's pained. "I'm sorry. I just, I can't be with you. I'm in a bad place right now and if I stay with you any longer, I'm just going to get you hurt."

"Victoria..."

"And I don't want you to get hurt because I care about you, believe it or not, and,"

"Vick-"

"And I just don't want to hurt you. Is it so bad that I don't want to hurt you?"

"Victoria, pay attention to me, please." I look at his face. His eyes are glassy. "Please, Vick I- I don't know what you're saying or what I did this time but I'm sorry, okay?"

"Charlie, you didn't do anything wrong. If anything, you're the perfect one in this relationship! You're the stable one."

"Cut the bullshit, Vick. You can't even say that and look me in the eyes. You're clearly lying, and I'm not leaving until you tell me what's going on."

"Nothing's going on. I'm just a girl who's breaking up with her boyfriend." I say. It hurt me as well, like a knife to the stomach.

"Stop brushing me off, I know something is going on. You can't leave me for no reason."

"Charlie, can't you see? You've come so far!" I yell, tears streaming down my face.

"Yes, I've come so far only to end up here. It was always going to end like this, wasn't it? I mean, is it your mom? Did she tell you that you can't see me anymore? Is that why you can't love me back?"

"No, Charlie, it's my own decision." I say softly. 

His voice breaks when he speaks. "All I ever wanted was for you to look at me like you loved me. You don't, though. I know you don't. If you did, you wouldn't leave me without telling me why." I don't know what to do in this situation because I've never broken up with someone before. I do what I think Charlie might like. I lean in to kiss him, but he backs away. "I'm not going to kiss you. You broke my heart." And his words break me. 

"Charlie..."

"No Victoria, this is my fucking turn to speak." Okay. "There's only so many times I can fix myself before you hurt me again, okay? Pain isn't an easy thing to ignore. I mean, how do you expect me to keep going? I can't! There are an endless number of things I wish to forget right now. I mean, I should have seen it coming!" He laughs. Tears are falling out of his eyes as well. "Everyone warned me about you, you know. But I didn't listen. No, I actually defended you. Can you believe that? I mean, do you have any regrets doing this to me?"

Yes. Yes I do, I have so many. Is what I want to say. Instead, I just shake my head.

He nods saying "I don't deserve this." before getting up to leave. He opens the door but stops, looking over his shoulder, he says "After everything, I still love you. And I fucking hate myself for it." Then he leaves and shuts the door rather softly.

I sit there in silence. Before I start crying. And I mean full on crying. With loud sobs and snot and I'm shaking and why the hell am I shaking so much and why do my eyes hurt and why is my mouth sore and I'm so sad it hurts so bad. The pain is killing me. It was the right thing to do, but it still hurts so. Damn. Much.

I take pillows and throw them across the room. I scream. I pull my hair. I hit myself. I yell at myself. I hug myself.

I hate myself. I hate myself so bad. I'm so selfish and so worthless and I don't deserve Charlie or my mom or anyone for that matter and me dying is probably the best thing that could happen to me and it's probably the best thing for everyone else so they don't have to deal with my shit and so I don't trouble anyone and I don't hurt them even more than I have already.

I hate myself and there's no getting better.

I can't see past the pain. It's like pain has always been a part of me. That if there was no pain, then I'd be nothing. The only thing I've known my whole life is that I was certain about wanting the pain to stop. People say nobody deserves pain like this, but what if they met me? Would they think differently? I know it isn't really my fault why I do the things I do, it's because of my psychosis is what Charlie tells me, but I still did it, didn't I? I still did terrible things even if I had no control over myself. I can't help myself.

No one can help me, and I don't want them to.

I deserve to feel this pain. I deserve to feel pain before I die a terrible death. I deserve to feel the tears I have. I deserve to feel like I'm burning up. I deserve to feel like I'm in hell.

I deserve to feel like I'm dying.

But I am, aren't I? I am dying and again, there's nothing I can do about it. Well, there is something I can do about it. I can go to get treatment. For a hundred grand. Something I don't deserve. Yeah, watch me waste money on my life.

A life I don't deserve, because I've wasted so many other peoples lives. I don't deserve my own. Letting Charlie go was very hard, but letting my mother go is going to be even harder. Or not. I see Charlie more than I see my mom, but I love my mom more. Well, I like to think that. But I don't really love anyone. It's not that I think I'm better than anyone else, because if I said that I love myself, I'd be a liar. But I already am a liar. And a thief. And a murderer. 

And a victim of cancer.

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Word count: 1514

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