𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐋𝐄𝐒𝐒

CHAPTER 8

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I'm floating with the stars. It's so pretty, up here. I hope I end up here when I die.
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I woke up in a bed that wasn't mine. It's my mothers. She's asleep next to me. She was supposed to go to work, though. I guess I woke her up because I heard her say, "Honey, are you awake?" Her eyes are still closed. She's half asleep. I look at her. She looks so tired. Her under eye bags are more visible than ever and her mascara is all over her face. Her makeup is all over her pillow and I just realised that I'm covered in sweat. These days I tend to wake up covered in sweat a lot more than I used to before, even though I'm not hot.

It's probably because of the condition, or maybe my body just does that.

I slowly get up to leave. Mom needs to rest. She can't do that if I'm here. I close her bedroom door behind me and walk towards my own. I'm going to tell her. When she wakes up, I'll tell her everything. She deserves to know that her daughter is dying.

She deserves to know that her daughter is fine with dying.

The first thing I do is go to the bathroom and check up on my phone. It's still at the bottom of the bathtub. I reach down to get it and once I do, I try to open it. The screen stays black. Perfect. I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do now.

"Alexa, turn on Everything I Wanted by Billie Eilish." This song is about suicide. I don't know if I'm suicidal. Is me being okay about dying suicidal? I don't think so. I mean, it's not like I'm killing myself. This cancer is killing me. I'm just not doing anything about it. I mean, it's not like I'm going to hang myself or something. I wouldn't do that. A blade is way more sufficient. If you were to hang yourself, that would take a lot of effort. I wouldn't want to waste a lot of effort just to kill myself when I literally have a wide range of knives downstairs in the kitchen. Plus, where the hell would I get a rope from? Not in our house, I know that for sure. I think the mechanical store sells some down the street, though. Might wanna check that out if I need to later.

I go and sit down on my bed. Today I feel better than yesterday. I'm not really sure why, nothing has changed since then. I'm still the same me. I have still committed the same crimes. I'm still dying. But, there's just something about today that feels so different. Positive. Bright. "Well, you look optimistic this morning."

"God, mom! You nearly gave me a heart attack!" She just laughs and comes to hug me. "Alexa, turn off the music. Are you well rested, mom?"

"I feel great, this morning. Don't you?" I have the widest grin on my face.

"Well then, this means we should go for a run!"

This makes my mom look horrified. "No, sweetie. Mommy is old, she has bad legs." She complains.

I roll my eyes and smile. "Oh, come on. You gonna use that trick on me again? Last time you said it I was nine! Now, come on! The weather looks promising today."

She looks over my head through the window saying "Well, you're not wrong." Before her gaze falls back upon me and then she starts tickling me.

"Mom! What are you Ah! Mom, stop-!" I can't help myself but laugh even though it's paining me so much. This feels terrible. Why does this feel terrible? I throw up on the floor.

My mom immediately stops and backs away, staring at me in horror. "Vicki, I- Was I hurting you? I'm so sorry- I didn't mean to! Oh my goodness..." She comes next t me and wraps her arms around my neck, 'hugging' me. Well, more like choking but okay.

I slightly push her back. It hurts too much. "Sorry, mom. It's- it's nothing." I look up at her. This is my chance to tell her. If I don't do it now, I don't think I'll be able to do it later on. "Actually no, it's not nothing." She looks down at me. Confuse and pity in her eyes. I hate that.