Little things ~Ziam Mayne~

-20-

Zayn
Today I'm getting Liam from the hospital, I didn't sleep much, the only thing I kept thinking about was Liam. "You didn't sleep much did you?" Louis asks when I walk downstairs with dark circles under my eyes. "No I didn't" I confess. "Do you want me to take a day off and go with you?" Louis asks, I shake my head. "No, thanks, I think we'll go to Liam's, he wanted to see Harry and Niall" I say, Louis nods. "Okay!"

I relapsed yesterday night. Luckily Louis came in before it got really bad.

!Warning!: Self harm.

The constant urge to relapse hits me again. I don't know why I'm feeling like this, I thought this was over. But no, it's not, I was just pushing away the thoughts, and now I can't anymore.

The small shaving knife lays in my hand, I look at it. It almost invites me to hurt myself. Carefully I put it between my shaking fingers. "Do it, do it, do it" the voice in my head yells, it's making my head hurt. "I am gonna do it, calm down" I mumble soft. I hope I'm not waking Louis.

I let the sharp knife go over my skin, it immediately starts to bleed, red drips of blood run down my arm, it hurts, but the pain feels so fucking good. The voice isn't shutting up yet, I need to keep going. "Zayn is everything-..." I look up and see Louis standing in the bathroom. Crap.

"Shit, put that down Z, put it away" he says, he walks towards me and gets the shaving knife out of my hand. "Fuck, Lou, sorry, sorry, sorry" I say, tears are streaming down my face. "It's okay, it's okay, let's take care of this first." Louis runs downstairs to get the first aid kit. I look at the cuts on my arm, seven, seven new cuts.

I take the bandage of my arm. Liam won't be happy if he finds out I cut myself again. "What do I need to tell Liam, about... yesterday night" I ask Louis. "I think you just need to tell the truth" Louis answers, putting plates in the dishwasher. "I know he's in deep shit too right now, but you two always said you care for each other right? Well then, you care about him, he cares about you." "But what if he feels bad after I told him and stops eating again?" "He won't, he didn't felt bad about it the first time right?" "No." "So, it'll be okay, don't worry man."

Louis drops me at the hospital, Niall and Harry will pick us up. When I walk into Liam's room, he's laying in his bed, but he's awake, he looks bored. "Hey babe" I say, Liam looks at me and smiles. "Hey! Thank God, it's so boring here" he says smiling, he already looks a bit better. "I missed you love" I say, I kiss his forehead. "I missed you too."

"Can you lay with me? There will come a doctor to talk before I can get out of this place" he says. "Sure love" I say, I get in the big bed and wrap my arm around Liam's shoulder, he places his head on my chest. "I'm happy you're here" he grabs my hand and pulls it to his chest, but the sleeve of my sweater crops up and the before I can put it down again Liam sees the new cuts.

"Are they... new?" He asks, I nod. "I'm sorry Li..." I say soft, I wipe with a fast gesture a tear from my cheek. "Hey, hey it's okay" he says. He hugs me. "It's okay to relapse Z, I don't expect you to be clean forever" he says. I hide my head carefully in his neck. "Why'd you do it love?" He asks softly. I sight, the warm breath in his neck makes Liam shiver a bit. "I was just really worried about you, and then the voice started yelling again" I whisper, with my head still hidden in Liam's neck. "Okay" he says.

"You don't have to be worried about me, okay I get you are a bit, but I'm going to be fine, or I'm trying to be, I'm really gonna try it Z, that's nothing to worry about" he says, hugging me a bit tighter. "Okay" I whisper, my voice is a bit high pitched, Liam shivers again. He chuckles. "It tickles when you talk" he says giggling, I smile and give him a small kiss in his neck, then I remove my head out of his neck and kiss him on his mouth.

"I love you" I whisper. "I love you too." He whispers back, he smiles. When Liam's almost asleep on my chest while I'm stroking trough his hair George walks into the room. "Hello" he says. "Everything good here?" We nod. "Okay, then you can go Liam, if you can sign those discharge papers you're free to go." Liam smiles and signs the papers. "Thanks" he says with a sleepy voice. "No problem."

Liam texted Harry we are done, but we need to wait a while 'till he and Niall are here. We sit on a bench outside of the hospital. "I'm happy to go home" Liam says, his head lays on my shoulder. "I get that" I answer. I'm still feeling a bit guilty about the self harm. "What's wrong love?" Liam asks, he sits straight up and looks me in my eyes. "Nothing, why?" "There is, I hear it from the way you speak." I sight soft.

"I'm feeling a bit guilty about my relapse" I confess. "I was doing so well." Liam grabs my hand. "It's okay Z, it's normal to relapse when you're recovering. And you don't have to feel guilty, you can't do anything about it." He says. I laugh soft. "Seems like we both need some therapy sessions." Liam laughs too. "Yeah, I think that's a good plan."

We see Niall's car and walk towards it. "Hey guys!" Liam says, Liam and I get in the back of the car. "Hey Li! I'm so happy you're coming home again" Harry says, he really sounds excited, I smile, so does Liam. "Me too lad, so Niall, what are you waiting for? Drive us home." Niall laughs short. "Okay, be patient, cars can't fly."