Fallon

Chapter 17: To My Loving Daughters

Dear Girls,
I should probably lay out the truth since I've signed a DNR. I've been struggling with my Cancer diagnosis since Fallon was three. I've had Brain, Lung, Breast, and thyroid cancer throughout the years. Raising you two has been my favorite accomplishment. I feel like that needs to be said. Now, on to you..
Kassandra, I will forever cherish every giggle and conversation we've had. I remember when i found out i was pregnant with you. We were so scared. I had just begun remission for my lung cancer after we caught it in the early stages and, were able to prevent it from spreading. Fallon was three and a half, and we didn't know what to do. Although the cancer wasn't there, the lingering haunt of whether it would come back ached in my brain. Months went by as we went from doctor appointment to doctor appointment for both you and I. With the reassurance I'd be able to have a natural birth, we decided to carry you to full term. The day you were induced was one of the happiest days of my life. On our way to the hospital blue birds danced beside our car windows. You know Blue birds represent happiness and prosperity. Maybe that's why you tend to look at the positive side of every situation. I hope that you'll use that in whatever field of study you choose. Your early years were full of hospital trips for me, so i missed a lot. That's why your father stepped in around the house. He carried a stay at home job while i did treatments. Eventually treatments stopped, and i was able to fully pursue my dream of being a nurse. We knew both of us couldn't be gone so he stayed behind for you and your sister. From then on i was able to not only provide income but life insurance. The health insurance wasn't a terrible bonus either. I got to take care of my babies even when I couldn't see you guys. Eventually i became a source for cancer research. Not only did i donate my blood and biopsy samples but, let them use new chemo therapy treatments to help with what i had acquired. Unfortunately due to my treatments and diagnosis I'm not able to donate any organs. Nor would i want to at this point. Nobody deserves to live like this. As you grow up to be the wonderful woman i know you can be, know that i did everything i could for you and Fallon. I simply can't live as a pin cushion and donor anymore and, i hope you understand. I've created a will and, placed it in the hands of our family attorney. Once you have received this letter, I'll be dead. Such a morbid state of mind i know.. Try to remember me as i was in the in between, not as i am now. I love you my little bird.
Fallon, My beautiful first born. Let me start by saying I'm sorry in every way, for how I've treated you. You didn't deserve that mother and, I'm so sorry. The cancer i had was not at the fault of you or your father. I know the anger that lashed out of me hurt you. Please know it hurt me too. It was as if i was looking at you from behind the cancer like a cracked reflection. I was a prisoner in my own mind. You might not have  gotten the apology you needed to hear while i was with you but, you needed one none the less. That's why i stayed silent while you spoke earlier at the hospital. I deserved very word, even though it hurt. You were right.. I am a selfish being. I just wish it wasn't at the hand of terminal illness. You deserve the world my Love.. and everything it has to offer. I want you to know I'm proud of the woman you are. You've shown how dedicated, loving, and how passionate you are. Please never lose that side of you. If you have to spend your life fighting, fight for what you love. Because that will always show just how strong you are. I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you from Dave and his wife.. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you from the others. You deserved to grow up normal.. without hidden or suppressed trauma. I need you to know you are not hard to love my sweet baby. You are light and love and golden sun rays. You are my most precious part of me. I hate that you've spent all your life feeling neglected. I hope you understand why I'm doing this and how much I truly love you. Good bye my little dove.. Try to find the peace in your chaos.
I love you both more than i can say,
Mom
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I leaned back against my pillow watching Tom sleep, his breathing spastic like waves of shock. I could feel my tears fall past my cheek and hit my thigh. Oh how it feels to live.. without fear or pain. For a moment i was at tranquility. The cancer had numbed my body and, i was able to finally feel peace.
"Eileen are you awake?" Tom's voice cracked as he rubbed his eyes and lifted his head.
"Yes. I'm up. Just writing." I folded the note i had written for Fallon and Kassandra, placing it on my lap. My hand scooted towards his as he looked at me longingly. I had hoped that when i did pass they would all understand why i left them what i did. Life wasn't going to be fair to them, so the least i could do was give them a foot in the right direction.

"Why do you have to go Eileen.. Why don't you want to fight." Exhaustion overtook his face as tears rolled from his puffy eyes.
"Oh my sweet.. I can't live like this anymore. I don't want to be in pain. I don't want the fear. I know you'll miss me but i.. I can't continue living as a test subject." Unconsolably sobbing, i placed my hands around his waist, drenching his shirt with my tears.
"You are my life Eileen Marinette Thompson. You were my dream." He held me tighter as i drifted off. My eyes rolled and, i could feel my body convulse. I was having seizure after seizure.

The crying screams from my doctors and nurses surrounded my thrashing body, as they attempted to help save me. My muscles ached from the tension and, i knew I couldn't fight it anymore. God if you're out there please don't let them suffer. Let Tom find happiness. Let the girls find peace. I'm ready to die, even if they aren't ready to let me go. I could feel my final tears roll from my eyes as i faded. With one more thrash, I felt the oxygen leave my body, releasing my last breath.