What was I made for ?..

Wondering if i dodged a bullet or just lost the love of my life

I had asked max to give me a week before he passed on my letter to Lando. Through out the dinner, many tears, stories and laughter was shared. Whilst we have known each other a while again now, we still had 10 years of friendship to make up for.

I had given him my new phone number on strict orders. To keep it under an alias and to never share it with anyone, Lando and Charles included. He promised me that he never would and that he'll follow my instructions with the letter.

It felt good to have a true friend again, whilst it was nice having Carla and Charlotte, they didn't know the old me. The sweet girl who would go to the track every weekend, be excited to see her father and her boys. The girl who would blush every time Charles looked over or laugh endlessly anytime lando was near. Max and Lando knowing started to make me feel whole again.

Like I belonged again.

To my surprise Max had asked me about a song that I had written. He said he had heard me sing it but never understood the true meaning. He asked me 'what was I made for?...'

At first I was taken back shocked he heard me sing the song that depicts my whole life. Very few ever did hear me sing it. It was the song that healed me anytime I was sad.

I answered him honestly, now that the truth was out. I told him about everything my mother put me through, and how I wish I belonged somewhere. The only time i ever did was with lando and Charles.

Once he had finally left, I cleaned seb's kitchen, before taking myself to bed. Whilst packing yesterday I made to grab a few of Charles shirts and hoodies. I slipped his tee over my head, his scent filling my nostrils, my heart beating and yearning to be with him. I wish I could reach out to him but I know that I can't. I didn't know why after everything I needed this. Needed him.

Tomorrow was the big day, the day I finally get divorced, the day I leave the love of my life behind forever. Tomorrow is the day I lose everything. The day I lose him.

~

Morning came. The sun lighting up the room and the sound of the ocean making me feel at peace. I didn't want Ferrari or Fred to see as a weak little girl. I promised myself to keep my head high, to feel confident, beautiful and smart as I faced them. Letting them know that one day I will win. Whether tomorrow, in a few weeks, months or years I will win. I promised myself that I will take control.

Fred had emailed me last night with a one way plane ticket to Maranello. He's stupid if he thinks I'm going to accept anything from him. When I was driving back to seb's yesterday I made the decision that I would drive there, in the classic Ferrari 250 GTO, in the colour they so proudly wear. To show them that it was me who saved them, that it was me who saved Charles and that it'll be me, driving away in something that they love so much that will destroy them too.

As I was getting ready, I put on a tiny bit of makeup to cover any marks that were left by my Charles hands. Emphasising all of my natural beauty. To my surprise they couldn't be seen after. I tied my hair half up and put delicate curls in the rest. I slipped on my white suit and put on gold jewellery. Completing the outfit to my standard.

I wanted to show them what they had lost, I wanted the paparazzi to see that I was free. That the moment I walked away with my head held high that they captured the start of Ferraris down fall. They just wouldn't know it yet.

I hoped in my car and raced the sunrise down the empty mountain roads. As I approached Monaco I had two choices one to drive through or one to drive away. At first I was tempted, tempted to go home to tell everyone that I was going to be ok. To say one final goodbye. To run into his arms and to apologise for what I was about to do, but I didn't...