When You Stop Hating To Exist

Chapter 1

It was a Thursday morning.

Jessie woke up.

She knew that her apartment smelled like cigarettes but she couldn't smell it. Her nose became insensitive to the smell. As smooth as someone could do it in this sleep induced state, she threw off her covers. However she did not yet rise. Her gaze was on her ceiling, one could think it was fixated on the dark spots, presumably from water leaking somewhere, but it was not.

Jessie did not see the dark spots anymore. There was enough light coming in from outside though, she could have seen the spots.

There was no real difference between day and night. Her neighbors seemed to always make noise.
To always create new smells.
To always have on their light, how they payed their electricity bill was none of her problems.

She could never and that was why she was kind of thankful for her neighbors to have their light on, it illuminated her apartment too.
Saved her money.

Jessie stood up.

She would have heard her bed creaking, signaling its coldness and its need to be changed but she didn't.

Breakfast was never something special.

During last weeks grocery shopping, Jessie found Cornflakes reduced in their price. So she bought two pacs and some milk. That had been her breakfast for the kast 4 mornings and it would (hopefully) last till next Wednesday.

She poured a bit of water in her cup and put it into the sink. She'd clean it later, maybe. She didn't need to hurry. She never had to but she still panicked slightly while dressing. The usual thoughts crossed her mind.
What if the car breaks down?
What if I get lost?
What if the cops show up?

Her work attire was nothing special. Today she wore black cargo pants, the logo of her company stitched on, and a white T-Shirt that she tucked in her pants. Because she would freeze to death in that outfit, she grabbed another white sweater and put it over that. Her shoulder long, natural light brown hair only needed to be combed. Maybe not even that. She would wear a beanie nearly all day anyways. One quick glance in the mirror let her know that it was good enough. For work at least.
Luckily they would prepare food at work today so she didn't need to worry about that.
Dismissing the upcoming "what if" questions that came nearly every morning, she grabbed her Jacket. It was February and in her eyes still fucking freezing. She always wore her steel toe safety shoes. Normally she would wear her Doc Martens but today she couldn't. And, as always in winter, she wore two pairs of socks.
The doorbell rang. Sometimes it didn't. Jessie guessed that it needed to be fixed but she wouldn't, she couldn't complain about it. If she would, she could get kicked out.