When You Stop Hating To Exist

Gayness is not a bad medicine against panic attacks at the punk show

Holly had invited her here.
Even if they had a fight, the day before Jessie couldn’t not come. It was true what Holly had said, not everything, but most of it, she was indeed running away from her feelings. Jessie hoped that she could apologize tonight. For storming away. A small club that had too many resemblances to a cellar. Holly could have nearly touched the ceiling; the tiny windows did not seem to aerate the place nearly enough as some people were smoking. It was only a matter of time until the room would have a foggy undertone.

Holly had vanished early as it her band was opening the show tonight, but she had told Jessie that she would find her as soon as her set ended.
Jessie trusted her.
Not because Jessie really believed Holly’s words, Jessie’s tummy hurt thinking about Holly not coming back, but because she had to.
She needed to keep her hope.
This place was too unfamiliar.

Holly had bought her a beer before and had introduced Jessie to a few of her friends. Jessie had immediately forgotten their names and faces.
She regretted it now.
She did not want to stand here alone, looking like a lost puppy, holding onto her empty beer bottle. She had kept it for two reasons. Firstly because she did not know where to put it and secondly because it gave her something to do.

The cellar got more and more packed. Jessie’s heart began to race; sweat was building on her forehead and neck. She could feel the trembling of her hands coming.

She breathed in and out, deeply, inhaling the smoke filled air. She closed her eyes.
She could smell beer, sweat and smoke.
She could feel her sweater, her shoes, and the small wind that was created when someone passed near you.
She opened her eyes again.
She saw the red Mohawk of some person in the front, the dark red brick wall, the white paint on the ceiling.
She inhaled deeply again.
Her eyes swelled up, she exhaled.

This would not help her.

She did not know where to go.
She had forgotten where the exit was.
Why were there no signs?
Where were the toilets and where did all these people suddenly come from?
Her eyes manically looked all around her, trying to find anything to help her navigate.
Tears ran down her cheeks.
This was not how she had imagined this.

Her eyes lingered a second on a familiar face before continuing to jump around. Jessie tried to find the face again but it was hopeless. Jessie would just break down in the middle of the crowd and hope that no one payed attention to her.

She bought her hand up in an attempt to cover her face when she felt someone else’s hands wrap around them. Jessie peered up to the person, ready to beat the absolute shit out of the person.
It was Holly.
Jessie’s heart sank.

She knew that Holly would ask questions. She would not let this pass unnoticed. Jessie tried to fight back the tears and it unsurprisingly did not work.

“Shit Jessie, what happened? Was someone being weird? I’ll fuck ‘em up! What happened?” Holly looked her up and down, and then she took the bottle out of Jessie’s grip.

“Hey,” she whispered, “come ‘ere,” she opened her arms, wrapping Jessie in a hug. Jessie breathed in her scent.
It calmed her racing heart.
“Jess, I can’t leave you alone like this, but we need to get ready for the show. Head with me to the front? You will see me and I can keep an eye on you.”

Holly let go, taking Jessie’s hands in hers while looking Jessie in the eyes, waiting for a response. Jessie nodded, thankful that Holly did not dwell too long on it. Holly opened her hands, allowing Jessie to free her hands. Jessie however, did not want to let go of Holly just yet and let her hand linger one moment longer. Holly took that as an invite to hold Jessie’s hand and that was how it happened that they went to the stage with their fingers intertwined. With every single one of Hollys friends looking.

They needed to let go of each other obviously, with Holly’s band still needing to perform and all, but they both secretly wished that the way up to the stage had been a bit longer.

They had no backstage to which Jessie could have retreated, which was why Holly made her stand in front of the crowd on the side. On the same side, she was standing of course, definitely not to make her the center of attention to Jessie.

Holly would absolutely not put on a show extra for Jessie and watch her reaction closely, that was totally not what she had planned.
Surprisingly, when she had invited Jessie to her show, she had not thought about this, maybe the alcohol helped her to forget about everything else and only focus on Jessie.
She had downed a few beers more usual, she had blamed on normal stage freight, knowing that Jessie was the real reason. Holly was not dead drunk though; she was just much more drunk than on any other show before.

Her friends would not question her extravagant performance, at least that was what her drunken mind told her, and they liked it too. She just hoped that they would not notice her stealing too many glances from Jessie.

Their singer, Jessie was told that her name was Elena, started the show, “Hi guys, we’re Bathtub Serenade. We’re very thankful to Stan Lee,” she motioned over the old man behind the bar, he waved back, “for letting us open the show! I hope you all will enjoy tonight!”
Elena breathed in and out quickly, “OUR FIRST SONG’S CALLED VIOLENT BOY!”
Their drummer counted one bar and then they started.

Some people knew the lyrics and screamed along while others simply danced, slowly morphing together, building a moshpit next to Jessie. It was chaotic and rhythmic but mostly it looked like real fun and it was hilarious to watch.

Jessie did not watch them too much though as she had Holly on the stage, illuminated by the stagelight that seemed to be very warm as the whole band was sweating bullets.

She could not deny that as the show kept going, Holly kept getting hotter and hotter in Jessie's eyes. There was something erotic about her having fun and sweating that Jessie could not deny.

After their set ended, Holly waved Jessie over, who was walking up to her already. Holly smiled shyly, afraid that Jessie was thinking about how awful it was and if they could immediately leave. Jessie of course, still absolutely baffled by the performance the woman in front of her just presented, that she could not yet do anything else than to replay it over and over again in her head.
Therefore, they simply stood there, looking into each other’s eyeballs as if they held the secret recipe of some old woman’s cookies that you absolutely want to make yourself but you just cannot get them right.