When You Stop Hating To Exist

This is where you'll start to wonder how someone can be so gay without realizing

„I think we need to perform an exorcism,” Holly said, stirring the tomato sauce. Jessie watched her, now shamelessly since she had bought attention on herself.

Holly’s long purple braids that she knew looked great on her no matter how she styled them. She had tied them into a bun so that they would not get in the way while cooking. Jessie had already stared then. She had watched her hands move. How calculated and elegant she had tied it.

To be fair, Jessie would have been intrigued by everything Holly did anyways, so this did not matter.

Her eyes slowly traveled to her broad shoulders, which filled the slightly too tight T-Shirt perfectly. Holly definitely had not chosen it on accident earlier that day.

Jessie’s gaze slowly travelled town her torso to her hips, nearly worshipping the defined shoulder and back muscles along the way. If there would have been another person in the room Jessie definitely would have needed to explain herself, but since they were alone, she could continue. Continue to travel down. This time not skipping her ass. Before today, Jessie had tried not to stare, but now it was different. In the privacy of the apartment, she let herself. Now she felt comfortable. She was not prying, she was worshipping. Worshipping the perfection of the female body, of Holly’s body and she was enjoying every moment of it. She was not having dirty thoughts, she was simply admiring. Something that she had never done with men before.
She did something to a woman that she had never felt the need to do to men.

Her gaze travelled further down. Jessie had never realized how comfortable thighs looked. She had never thought of laying on them, of being buried under or between them.

However, now she was and she could not deny it. She had never looked at a woman like that, ever, not even at herself and it made her feel better.
Better because she had never seen beauty in herself, a woman, but now she admired someone for physical traits that she had too.

“Jessie?” the gorgeous woman in front of her asked, completely disrupting Jessie, whose thoughts were everywhere except for where they were needed.

Jessie only then realized that she had been staring, more actually, she had been adoring, praising. She did not realize what that meant yet but it would soon hit her like a brick. Jessie did not overthink the only situation where thinking would have make her life better. She also realized that Holly had asked her a question.

“Yeah?” Jessie breathed out, not yet being able to put one coherent thought together.

“I was saying that we need to perform an exorcism.” She was still facing away from Jessie, which was probably the best since Jessie probably would have focused on everything except on their conversation.

Jessie would have focused on her face, her piercing yet comforting yellow brownish eyes, her slightly too big nose (it fit her perfectly though) and her way too soft lips.
Her lips that had intrigued Jessie since the first day she saw Holly, but Jessie would never admit.

Admit that in this moment, she had been thinking about a woman, more precisely, a woman’s body, in a way that she was not supposed to.

Never.

Jessie would have focused on Holly’s breasts.
She was used to look into other women’s faces and when Jessie had first seen Holly, she had wondered why her gaze had never travelled only a few centimeters further down.

Why her eyes had never found the way to another woman’s cleavage. She had comprehended the way men always seemed to look down women’s cleavages and never at their face. Still she felt the difference. The stare of men always held lust, physical desire, sometimes they appeared to see the woman only as an object.
An object to desire, to conquer and to own.
She knew this was different.
She was cherishing this woman.
She was being devote to her; there was not a hint of intrusiveness or of disrespectfulness.

Why she only then realized how much she was dreading the next opportunity to steal a glance down this woman’s cleavage should forever remain unknown.

It definitely was best that Holly had not turned around.

“For who?” Jessie questioned since they had never talked about anything like that, they had not talked at all for a while, “why do want to perform an exorcism?”

Jessie wondered if it was because of her thoughts.
If Holly had heard her.
If Jessie had fucked it all up again.
And never in her life had she wished more that it was not at all like this.
That Jessie simply overthought again, that this was a misunderstanding, and that it was not at all as she thought.

She did not realize that Holly had turned around and that she, for a split second, thought how adorable Jessie looked when she was overthinking.

Jessie only realized Holly’s change of position when she nearly screamed “FOR ME OBVIOUSLY!” with the most devilish grin plastered on her face.
Jessie knew that on every other person, this grin would have looked weird or creepy but on Holly, it wasn’t.

Holly was still the most beautiful person in Jessie’s eyes, even if neither of them knew it.

“Foods ready though. Fetch us some drinks please, I’ll drain the noodles,” Holly commanded, doing exactly that.

Jessie was thankful for the change of topic. She needed to distract herself from her thoughts. She debated about basic water or beer and as there were enough bottles left, she made the unwise decision to introduce alcohol to their evening.

Holly had already made herself comfortable at the table, serving the noodles and the sauce. She smiled up at Jessie as she arrived, making Jessie’s heart skip a beat.
Neither realized that.

The food tasted better than anything else Jessie had ever eaten in her life. Even the noodles, which were the same ones she always had used, somehow tasted better.
They were eating in silence, both intensely focused on their food, Jessie thought. She was looking at nothing else but her plate and her beer, avoiding every potential eye contact with Holly.

Holly on the other hand was eyeing Jessie suspiciously, almost as if she knew that Jessie had been staring earlier.