I wanna die. I can't feel anything...dark room, my eyes opened, half slept - half awaken, the ceiling fan is rotating and there's this voice coming from inside of me wishing for that fan to fall over me, because I wanna die, no, actually I don't intend to kill myself but I won't mind if I won't open my eyes tomorrow morning.
My eyes fill with tears, and within seconds they overflow. My body feels paralysed. I can't feel anything inside me. Save me!!! Save me!!! I'm screaming, but nobody can listen because the voice isn't able to pass through my neck, Papa!! Papa!! Please come back....
"Maya!! Maya!! Are you alright?Maya!!!"
I hear a familiar voice and feel a touch, it takes me straight 11 seconds to make a movement.
I wake up and start wailing with hands on my face. After crying for a minute I take a deep breath and wipe my tears.
"I'm alright!" I declare.
"No Maya, you are not! Let's go to the therapist.... I've requested you so many times to go see a doctor about sleeping paralysis, but you won't listen to me." Sara scolds me with a concerning voice.
"No Sara, I'm used to it, it's normal for me now and I won't bother you for too long too. I'm leaving after two days after all." I say with a low and sad voice.
"No! You're not going anywhere with this condition of yours. Or if your MBBS is so much important then I'll also come with you." Sara orders.
She continues before letting me say a word.
"...and I can't understand why you have to go to college when Papa has already gave you job in his clinic... you've helped him in his so many wellness programs..."
I slide my hands on my eyes and face with tensed expressions.
"But Sara..." I am about to explain everything to her but she interrupts.
"Whatever Maya, right now I think you should just sleep, we'll talk tomorrow morning. Should I sleep here?!" She asks.
"No! No! Go! If you'll sleep here, I'm definitely not gonna sleep peacefully with your snores." I tease her.
"Shut up!! I don't snore that loudly." She replies.
Sara leaves the room, I take a deep breath and lie down. I close my eyes but I can't sleep, my mind is blank but so many things are going on in it, I don't know if it makes sense or not but that's what happening with me. What an irony right! That I can't feel anything but I can feel it completely that I can't feel anything.
I get up and sit on the bed with my back leaning on the wall. I take out my diary from beneath the pillow and thought about writing whatever I'm feeling so that I can get some temporary peace.
Dear Me,
11th October, 2023
3 a.m.
I remember the day when I woke up and everything was as usual. Papa was leaving for the hotel with his perfectly ironed manager's suit and a tie that I always used to fix whenever he left. And the moment he left with a goodbye, there came the voice of mamma, actually my step-mother.
My real mother eloped with her lover and then Papa remarried Sabrina, my step-mother. Her husband died in a car accident so one of my father's acquaintances suggested him to marry her as she was helpless. She had a son who was about my age group and an 11 years old daughter. As much as I observed, she was not helpless at all, as her son inherited his father's property which was quiet sufficient for them to start a business and fulfill their livelihoods, but she still married my father.
On the same day about 2 pm when I was doing dishes, I got a call from Dr. Shawn as he needed me to volunteer his wellness program, and when I went to volunteer him it was different from the previous ones as it was filled with blood. Actually it was a group or a "gang" is a better word, that was completely injured and the bodies of people or "gangsters" were covered with blood. I wasn't feeling scared by all that as I wasn't sensitive and am not. Thanks to my mother who was emotionally unstable and my father who was emotionally unavailable.... I'm basically a girl or "woman" raised by myself. I volunteered Dr. Sharma with full dedication and sincerity that day and even before that too, which is why he even used to teach me when I was stuck at some topic or assignment. And I think he's also the one who should be credited that I got a college by clearing the toughest entrance exam.
After 3 days from then I got the news about this scholarship. Now when I think about my life, the only thing that happened into my favour was that exam. Yes, that exam was newly organised by the owner of that college. Honestly, nobody knows about the owner but, I heard some people saying that he's a really dangerous man. I don't know, I mean who cares, he did such a nice thing by organising policy like this that I got the scholarship and got into the college.
But they say that misery and fortune come with the same face. It was totally correct in my case. On the same day when I came back home from volunteering Dr. Shawn, there turns my life upside down. It was like my life already was full of miseries and the only thing that was less miserable was my father, and he died. He was shot. I ran to Dr. Sharma's clinic and before I could ask anything he declared that he was no more. And I never smiled the same since that day.
No one was there in the hospital, when I came back home I got to see the real side of Sabrina that I was always afraid of. She gave my room to her children and told me to sleep in the store room.
It was so difficult....has always been difficult. But what was more heart-rending was that Sabrina stopped my education. She didn't let me complete my school. And ordered me home chores all day. And when I got to know about the scholarship, all I could do was just ignore it as nothing could be done.
But after a few days when Dr. Sharma came to know about my situation that I wasn't continuing my education anymore he talked to Sabrina but she humiliated him which made me hate her more, but I couldn't do anything.
Then I met Sara. She was like an angel that was sent by the god for me. She is Dr. Sharma's eldest daughter. She helped me get out of that hell and now I have been living with her for about 3 months.
I don't know what my future is gonna be like!! My past was so cruel on me, so my present is. But I've got fight!! I've got stop my past to affect my future.
I'm leaving for the college in a few days and I'm gonna start a new life. Life with myself, life with no more Sabrina's order, no more sleeping on the cold and dirty floor of the store room, no more insecurity of being around Ross. Everything is going to change. I'll change everything.
Good night Me.
I love Me!!
And I'm gonna be fine!
I close the diary, and go back to sleep. And as expected, I fall asleep soon by hugging a pillow and wiping my tears which are overflowing uncontrollably.
Author's note: Hey Sapphires 💙 I know this chapter was a bit depressing...but lemme tell u smthg...some of the upcoming chapters are also gonna be similar....yk, I really want u to feel Maya. I want you to live Maya, at least for once.
Take care 💙💙💙
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