Flawless My Dear ( English version )

Chapter 19

The performance ended and Portia turned to her daughter while Colin quickly let go of her hand.

"That was lovely," an excited Portia said, "Perhaps they could fine-tune it a bit more but..."
"They're just little girls, Mum, I invite you to come up there," Penelope said.
Portia turned her gaze to Colin, who was looking at Penelope's hand, "Colin, I need to ask you something. I hope you won't say anything other than yes."
"Tell me what it is," she replied, taking her eyes off the hand that had been in hers moments before.
"During these years, you have always looked after the interests and honour of our family. Of course, your family is invited to my daughter Felicity's wedding, but she cannot go alone. Do you think you could walk her down the aisle?" asked Portia, with some fatigue.

Penelope wanted the whole world to fall on her mother, but for all intents and purposes, no one else could.

"It would be an honour to walk her down the aisle," he replied, looking at Felicity, "She will make a beautiful bride," he said, smiling.

Felicity smiled back and they both turned their gaze to the front. Penelope turned her gaze back to the programme she held in her hands. Anything rather than look him in the eye.

"To tell you the truth, I was expecting this situation, but not on these terms," Colin said, settling back into his seat.
"I don't know what you mean, Mr. Bridgerton," said Penelope, still with her eyes on the paper.
"I expected to have to wait for you at the altar, not as the best man, but as her future husband," he ventured to confess.

Penelope looked up quickly from the paper and glared at him defiantly. On the inside she felt like a flan, but on the outside she couldn't give that impression.

"You're mad," Penelope shook her head and laughed sarcastically.
"Perhaps I am but I once heard that children, drunks and mad people tell the truth. Where does that leave me?" he asked her.
"Absolutely that he's a mad kid," Pen confirmed.
"I don't think a child will cause you what I cause you".

Penelope froze as she listened to Colin call her "you". Is that how he felt every time she called him "you"? Her thoughts were interrupted by Lord James.

"Mr. Bridgerton, it's a pleasure to see you again," he said, waving. "I hope your hand is better."
"That's for sure, the one I don't think is well is Lord Fife. I haven't seen him since," Colin confessed triumphantly.
James looked at Penelope. "Would you like to go for a walk?" he asked, offering his arm.
"Of course, my lord," she said, getting up.

And so it was that Penelope Featherington made one of her most splendid exits in front of her beloved Colin Bridgerton. But Colin had time to say something to her as he passed by her and only she could hear him.

"You can fool yourself all you like, but we both know I'm not him," he said, looking into her eyes.

As they walked away, Pen couldn't help but look back to watch him. How could she hate him so much and yet desire him in ways that were unbecoming of a young lady? She was tired of herself.

"I must inform you that I have informed your mother that I will be unable to attend her sister's wedding," James confessed ruefully.
"To what is this due, my lord?" asked Penelope, disappointed.
"Family matters require me to be out of town for several days. Believe me, the last thing I would want would be to be separated from you," he confessed.
"I hope you will return as soon as you can," Penelope asked.
"No doubt about that," smiled James.

(...)

The night before Felicity's wedding, Penelope was with Madame Delacroix at her house making the final alterations to Felicity's dress.

"You are going to make a beautiful bride, and I'm not just saying that because you are wearing my dress," said Delacroix, smiling gently.
"I'm very nervous. I think I might even be throwing up," Felicity said, turning pale.
"But those nerves are normal, you don't have to worry. Just remember to say yes and everything will go smoothly," said Portia to her daughter.
"Did you have these nerves too, Mum?" asked Penelope.
"Of course, I did, but it was very different. Unlike Felicity, I didn't marry for love, and may your late father forgive me for saying so," replied Portia.
"And how did you put up with all those years?" asked Felicity.
"Because I held on to the little things in our day-to-day life." Until one day I realised that I had grown to love him," her mother confessed.

Penelope knew she could never marry unless she was in love. But for that very reason she knew she was doomed to marry without love because she would never marry Colin. And even more so, knowing that she wasn't the love of Colin's life, but neither would she want to marry Lord James without love because it would be condemning him to a life of suffering waiting for a feeling that would never come.

"This is done, my lady," announced Delacroix, "I have only Miss Penelope's dress left."
"I want you to wear whatever you like, Pen," said Felicity.
"But, child," replied Portia.
"No mum. I'm sick of rules at a wedding. If my sister wants to wear one dress over another, it's her choice," she said, taking her sister's hands.

Penelope thanked her sister for the gesture but knew she was doing it out of sympathy since she was getting married before her.

"I think I have the perfect dress for you," said the dressmaker in a whisper to Pen.

When the dressmaker brought out the dress, Penelope saw herself already wearing it. It was simply perfect.

"Do you always have a piece saved for me?" Penelope confessed.
"As a matter of fact, I do," said Delacroix quietly, "I can offer Lady Whistledown no less."
"As if she were the Queen," suggested Penelope.
"No. But you've helped me a great deal over the years. And who knows, perhaps I may be making your wedding dress before long," hinted Delacroix.

Penelope shook her head. To tell the truth, right now that situation was a long way from her life.

(...)

Colin was looking at the last letters he had written to Penelope, which had never been read by her wonderful eyes. He still hoped that things would go back to the way they had been, and for her he urgently needed to change that situation. He reached for a pen and paper and began to write:

Dear Penelope,

I feel like I'm having déjà vu. It's endless and I know we've been here before but I'm not giving up, or rather, I don't want to give up. I would give up if I knew you didn't love me but we both know that's not true. I can't stop loving you even in my absolute darkness, because that's what I have now; total and utter darkness.

I feel like you are the moon that makes the stars light up, the sun that makes the sky light up my mornings. I know things between us aren't right but the more we try to ignore it, the more it consumes us. It's true that I said I had lost the love of my life, but I didn't explain myself well.
At the time I was in it believed it, but now that I have finally stopped to listen to my feelings, my thoughts and my racing heartbeat with you by my side, I have understood that I had the love of my life sitting next to me every night.

I feel defeated and broken when I don't have you and I don't want to lose hope because only you know how to bring out the best in me and that can trump everything else. Right now I'm just a man walking around aimlessly. My head tells me that I haven't been fair, to let you go but my heart, goodness gracious, I don't even know because it's where you are. So I ask you Pen... What does my heart tell you where you are?

I just ask you not to let go Penelope. Keep holding me because you're the reason why I keep getting up alive every morning(...)

He closed the letter, sealed it and didn't care that it was late at night and pouring with rain, he needed to give it to her. He went out of the servant's entrance so that no one would notice and it didn't take him long to get soaked from the rain. He ran as fast as he could until he reached the servant's entrance which he knocked on three times.

"Mr. Bridgerton should not be here," Varley suggested.
"I know it's presumptuous but I need you to give this letter to Penelope, it's vitally important," said Colin.
"I'm sorry, but I have orders from her not to let you give me anything," she was going to close the door, but Colin put a foot in the door preventing her from closing it.
"Varley either gives her the letter or I'll be here all night knocking on the door so loudly that the adjoining houses will wake up. And I don't think either of us wants that," he warned the maid.
Varley hesitated for a second, but he knew Colin Bridgerton was going to keep his promise so he took the letter, "Now, please go."