Hidden Love

Chapter 14

*Ryan*

Why hasn't he texted me back yet. I know he want's to. I sent him a few photos I know, that he'll love... unless he wants to be with Kevin. Which I don't blame him for. Kevin is a total hottie. I'd fuck him in a heartbeat. But Alex, oh my god, Alex. He's the perfect guy. He's someone I want to fuck all night long, and then cuddle with all day long.

When I first got to this godforsaken school, and I saw Alex... it was like I was struck by lightning. He was so perfect, the way he walks, talks, and... well, just, him. It sucks that he's taken. I really want to be with him. Maybe I can get Kevin out of the picture, or keep him in. Maybe Alex is thinking about that little threesome I hinted at on Friday. It would be sweet to have the two of those hotties undressed on my bed. I'd spend most of my time with Alex, he's the one I ultimately want here. Alex would be a way better boyfriend than Tyler too.

Tyler was a great boyfriend... at first. We were together for a long time. He was my first boyfriend ever, and were together for two years. Two years of my life, full of so many emotions. I loved him, he was my first love. Before we were even dating, we were lifelong friends. He and I basically grew up together.

In middle school I found out I was gay. I tried dating girls, but I'd be hanging out at her place, and i'd be crushing hard on her brother. There was once that she left the room, and he came in looking for her in the room, I said she wasn't here, then he sat on the bed next to me and waited for her. I think she went to go make us lunch, but I can't remember because I was making out with her brother. He was hot, and was huge. But i'll leave out the explicit details

Anyways, back to Tyler. He and I were fooling around for a while before we made things official. I think we made it all official at the end of the eighth grade. He and I were happy together, but before we came out, we were always hanging out, and always fooling around. I loved it. The sneaking around, and hiding things behind everyone's backs, it was sort of sexy. I enjoyed it. He did too, I mean, sure it was his idea to come out and say we were a couple, but I still liked the sneaking around. Hell, if we never did come out, we could still be together, and I might still be Miami.

Before I came out in public, I of course told my parents. They were absolutely fine with it, thank god. There were issues of course, not with my parents, but with my family, the neighborhood, and the kids at school. The neighborhood we lived in was very disapproving of my sexual orientation, or anyone who was gay. It took Tyler a little long to come out, but he finally did it. We were together from eighth grade, to tenth. Out as a couple, only four months into tenth. Tenth was probably the worse year of my life, and the year I was depressed. Do you know what made my tenth grade year awful? Tyler. That was when he broke things between us, for a girl. For two whole fucking years, we were together, he broke it off, just like that. For a girl he just fucking met. I always thought it was because he was done with being teased, and being called names, he just wanted it to stop. So how did he call it off? During lunch, in front of the whole school. I was eating lunch alone, like usual. I figured he got caught up getting the daily verbal abuse we would receive. But really he was sneaking around with Carrie, his girlfriend. Any who, he walked up with Carrie, and then told me we were over. Just like that. Then when I tried to defend what was wrong, he just called me a faggot, and told me to stay away, and to lose his number. It hurt more than anything else ever could. To give someone so much time then to have it all taken away from you. After that, I stopped loving. I was emotionally numb. I didn't feel anything anymore. Then the verbal abuse only got worse. He was apart of the people who were involved with my daily torture! He joined in on the mockery. He became the very thing he was afraid of. I honestly wanted to just die. I was okay with it, and I thought that if I did, no one would miss me. I was convinced that everyone hated me, that no one cared. The one and only person I cared about destroyed me. I was lost.

So what did I do to deal with the damage? I started to have sex. A lot of sex with a lot of guys. I just kept trying to get with as many guys as I could possibly get with. It was my way of dealing with stress. Most people use music, violence, crying, self harm, and drugs. But me? I used sex. It was my way to get away. It was my utopia. Either it was a quick handjob or blowjob, I just needed to be sexaully active. It was something I love. It was my way of... coping with my awful loss. No one really knew. I also didn't have many people to tell. I kept it all to myself.

After tenth grade, my parents brought up the idea of of moving. I didn't want them to do that, not for me. They had a good life here. My had a good paying job. So did my mom. I told them that everything was fine. I told them it was just puppy love, and that it was my first love. Those are the ones you're always going to remember. So we stayed. That whole summer, I didn't really leave my house. Only to have sex with some stranger, I even had guys who always came back for more. During our getting down, one guy told me he loved me. Sadly enough, that poor bastard had no idea I was a teenager, and that I couldn't feel love anymore. So I just told him that he was cool. We finished things up and I haven't talked to him since.

A couple of months into my eleventh grade year down in Miami, the torture only got worse. A few times, I was physically assaulted. It was minor and I didn't take it too hard. But the verbal abuse was too much for me. I couldn't take it. So I came to my parents, eyes in tears and told them I couldn't take it anymore. I asked if the offer to move still stood, and they told me that they will work right on it.

So what did I do prepare myself for this huge move? I started to change my mindset in the best ways that I could. I tried to reopen my heart to love. I tried to fix the voices in my head. I also started to work out. Like hardcore working out. Instead of fucking some hot guy I saw, I started working out. It was my new way of getting through my life. Especially because having loads of sex is pretty dangerous. I got fit and I started to like my body. For once, I was satisfied with myself. I gained self confidence I never had. After another few months, my parents were ready. They had the idea to have a going away party but I knew no one would show up, so I told them to pack up and go. So we did.

At first we tried to live in Davie, but that didn't work out because almost everyone there had a confederate flag hanging. So we knew it wouldn't work out there. Then we looked at Hollywood Florida. That was where we found our new residency. Everyone was so... accepting. The school was huge. It had so many buildings, and the court yard stretched across the entire school. It was kind of beautiful. There were small patches of trees scattered around the courtyard were well maintained. The campus was kept clean too. It seemed to be a fairly new school.

The day that we went to check out the campus, class was still in session. We had numerous meetings with the administratio. Tours around the campus. It was like going to college. Soon enough the tour was put on pause because the bell rang. But on that bell, I saw him. I saw Alex. He was one of the only guys ever, besides Tyler, to give me a warm feeling in my body. He was stunning. He some how made me feel at home. I didn't think I'd ever have that feeling for anyone else ever again. I was confused and lost.

That is why I want, no... I need to be with him. He is the only one that can help me now. Maybe I came off too strong? Maybe kissing him on the spot was a mistake. I'm just too used to moving with things too fast. I mean he likes Kevin, a lot, and then I, just... trotted into his life. That kiss was something I felt I needed to do, I thought that maybe If i did kiss him, he'd want to be with me. I am so wrong. Now he won't even text me back. God i'm so stupid. After spring break i'm going to back off. I'll just stand back and wait for Kevin to fuck up. Or Alex. Then there is Oliver. I should text him and see how he's doing.

"Me: Heyy Oli ;)"