I was never there

Chapter four

We stood together in the snow, shivering in the bitter wind. I looked at X; she had her hands in her pockets and stared ahead with red eyes as tears streamed down her cheeks."It sucks so much," I whispered. She nodded almost imperceptibly, lost in thought about Maya. We were standing by the police tape that cordoned off the part of the park where Maya had been murdered, watching as the police, their footsteps almost erased by the snow, studied the area, examined the path Maya had been dragged across, and searched for DNA evidence of the killer."Are you sure you want to be here? We could go to the movies for distraction," I suggested. X looked at me slowly, with red eyes and a trembling voice she said, "I can't leave her behind..." "I know, but you also need to forget for a moment, you know? Just forget what happened," I said."Shut up, you don't understand.""Yes, I do. When my grandmother passed away, distraction helped-""That's different!" she shouted, turned abruptly and ran away, sobbing." X, wait!" I called after her, but she didn't come back, didn't seek comfort on my shoulder. Immediately, guilt welled up inside me and tears filled my eyes."Sorry..." I whispered, suddenly feeling like a lifeless sack of potatoes. "I'm sorry..."

I sat in my room and called X for the twelfth time, but once again got her voicemail. "Call me <3" I texted. I turned up the music on my headphones and played my sad songs playlist for the third time. I aimed my phone at my brother's beanbag chair (I didn't steal it from him, I swear), but completely missed and it landed beside it. I closed my eyes and sank back. Yes, I know life has its ups and downs, but I am currently so low that it has become inhuman. Maybe I will lose X, she has been my only friend since middle school and it has always stayed that way. Nobody liked me, nobody ever cared about me, and they couldn't care less if I dropped dead. I could just suffocate, until X came along. She changed my life, she looked out for me, and she was the first person to really see me. Home is the same way. My brother Thomas gets everything his heart desires. Is his bike not cool enough? He immediately gets a new one. Do I need a new bike because mine is rusting and too small? No, that can't happen because all the money has already been spent on Thomas' fatbike.He gets the most expensive designer clothes, while I have to make do with silly shirts from the thrift store. He wants a bigger room? Done. How? We just divide Layla's room in half. Thomas wants more pocket money? We'll just take some from Layla's measly three euros per week. Thomas is smart, strong, and athletic. I am lazy, clumsy, and sluggish, and above all, unnecessary. Fortunately, Thomas is a bit more relaxed than my parents; he, along with X, is the only one who truly cares about me. He "lends" me twenty euros every month, not that I ever have to pay it back, but it's so my parents don't realize that Thomas does care about me. It's just enough to pay for my own phone plan (Thomas', of course, is paid for by my parents). Every day, I am told that I am a failure, that I was "an accident" and that I shouldn't even be here. Well, it feels like that by now.I feel like such a selfish person. Wait. Maybe that's why X is angry with me now. Your grandmother is different from the person you're in love with. Dying of old age and peacefully resting in your grave is different from being violently poisoned, being murdered. I am a stupid, disgusting, ugly egoist who only thinks about her own problems, only tries to get her own affairs in order. I grabbed my phone from the floor, aggressively wiped off the shards of glass, and threw my headphones on my bed. I stormed downstairs, snatched my coat from the coat rack, and grabbed my bike. I rang the doorbell and X's mother answered."Go upstairs quickly, she needs you," she said. I smiled gratefully, followed her instructions by throwing my coat into a corner on the floor, and ran up the stairs. I knocked on X's door and slowly opened it when I heard a soft growl. I walked in and closed the door behind me."Sorry," X whispered. "No," I said, "I'm sorry. I don't know what you're going through right now, and I shouldn't have compared Maya to my grandmother. I will always support you, no matter the situation."I sat down next to her on her bed."I was only thinking about myself and not how terrible this must be for you. And I...""It's okay," she whispered with red-rimmed eyes, and rested her head on my shoulder.Everything was okay again, I had my friend back, and I allowed myself to wrap an arm around her.

:)