CATALYST

TRAVIS

          Days went by.

      I fixed up my apartment. I worked long hours. I invested in an old laptop I found for sale on Naver. I researched immigration law.

      I enrolled in an online English and Korean class I could afford. I inherited a bicycle that needed work from a regular at The Black Label and repaired it, so I wouldn't have to pay for the bus all the time.

      And I missed David every fucking minute.

      I tried to put on a smile at work, but it was hard. Finally, a week after David had left me in pieces in the basement at work, Sowon approached me toward the end of a shift.

      "Come on, my friend. We're checking out early and we're going to get a drink somewhere. I've had all I can take of this miserable silence."

       I didn't have it in me to argue. And I needed a friend.

      We walked down the street to another bar, and slid onto stools next to each other. She ordered a glass of wine, and I asked for a beer, and while we waited for it, she propped an elbow on the bar and he chin in her hand.

      "Spill it."

      "Spill it?"

      She nodded. "Spill it. It means talk. Tell me what's bothering you."

      I shook my head. "I can't. It would mean betraying a confidence."

      "Okay, then I'll guess." She put her hands in her lap and sat up taller. "This is about you and my brother. You have feelings for each other. He's being stubborn and won't admit it, so you had to walk away."

      My eyes went wide. "That's a little creepy, even for me."

      She smiled briefly. "I'm good." Then she sobered again. "But this is not good. Tell me how you feel about it.  I struggled with the decision. If I was honest with her, it meant outing David, and that wasn't my place.

      "If you're worried about telling me David is gay, or at least gay where you're concerned, you can forget it. He's made that really fucking obvious all by himself."

      "He has?"

      She rolled her eyes. "Yes! You know I had my suspicions anyway, and then that night at dinner at his house, there was just this...vibe in the room. I could see it between you. Then he broke it off with Joleen. Then he's coming up here all the time, and it sure as heck wasn't to see his sister." She laughed, shaking her head. "The way his face lit up when he saw you made it pretty obvious. His aura was totally changed. Then there was the romantic weekend in Jeju Island. I'm not sure what about that plan he thought said 'I'm totally straight, nothing to see here,' but that pretty much confirmed it, if I'd had any remaining doubt."

      All I could do was stare at her.

      "Travis, I think it's wonderful." She smiled, putting a hand on my arm. "Really."

      Our drinks arrived, and I took a long pull on my beer. "He doesn't."

      "What happened? Can I ask?"

      I was in desperate need of a sympathetic ear but wanted to be careful. "After the weekend away, I was ready to be more open. He wasn't."

      "Give him time. He's so stubborn, Travis, always has been. And this is a huge thing for him. I told you how we grew up—he's fighting all those demons."

      I nodded. "I get it. But I don't think he really wants to win that fight. He's hoping it goes away."

      She sighed and took a sip of her wine. "It isn't going to."

      I lifted the bottle to my lips again rather than answer.

      "So now what? Have you even spoken since you moved into your apartment? What about that night he came barging in here needing to see you?"

       "That was the day I moved out. He...didn't want me to go."

      "But he didn't want you to stay?"

      "No, he did. But in secret. I couldn't do that to myself." The rest of what we'd said, I kept to myself. Some things were too private and painful to share.

      "No, nor should you. God, he drives me crazy sometimes. Is he worried about our parents?"

      I nodded. "Among other things."

      "I hope he's not worried about me." She touched her chest. "I think it's fucking perfect. And our brother John would too. We never bought into all that sin bullshit."

      "I think David did," I said quietly.

      She nodded and drank more wine. "In a way, yes. But part of me thinks it was more about pleasing the adults in his life. He bought in because it was expected of him."

      "Maybe."

      "I mean, there's a lot of things wrong in this world. Terrible, cruel people. Abuse and injustice. For God's sake, this is love. Some part of David must see that."

      "I wish he did."

       "And my dad is tough on him, even to this day, but part of me thinks my dad would appreciate that he'd raised a man strong enough to stand up for himself and what he wanted."

      I shrugged. I'd never met their dad, and I probably never would, so what did I know?

      She put her hand on my arm again. "I'm sorry, Travis. I wish I knew how to make it better."

      "It's okay. There's nothing either of us can do. It's David's choice."

      "Maybe he'll still make the right one," she said hopefully.

      "I don't know. I think his beliefs are too deeply ingrained. And please don't say anything to him." Suddenly I remembered what David had said about her inability to keep a secret.

      "I won't," she assured me. "Even if he comes to me, I won't tell him we talked. You're safe."

      "Thank you. And thanks for listening."

      "Thank you for trusting me." She tipped her head onto my shoulder. "I'll be praying for you. To the gods, the goddesses, the universe, and anyone else who will listen."

      I laughed a little, but deep in my heart, I felt it was hopeless. The longer we went without talking, the more convinced I became that David had been able to move on.

      "Have you seen him?" I asked, trying not to sound too emotional.

      "No, I haven't." She picked up her head and looked at me. "I think he's holed up at home, alone and miserable. He hasn't even called me."

      It only made me feel worse.

      

~~~   40   ~~~