CATALYST

TRAVIS

Whatever had been bothering David the afternoon he co-signed the lease at my new apartment appeared to have worked itself out. We spent the next five nights together in his bed, and every morning, he kissed me goodbye before leaving for work. Twice he came to eat dinner at the bar, and Thursday night he even stayed until closing so he'd be able to drive me home, even though he had to get up early the next morning. We didn't have sex that night because he was so tired, but I didn't care. Falling asleep with his body curled around mine felt as good as an orgasm in a way—a softer, more tender intimacy that made me feel closer to him than ever before.

My notebook, which had turned into more of a journal than a place for ideas, was full of page after page of my feelings for him, which were growing deeper by the day. We didn't talk about them, but I wanted to. I wanted to tell him I was falling for him. I wanted to hear him say the same to me. I wanted to know if he saw anything more than hiding at home in our future. We'd sort of left things open-ended when we'd agreed to see where things went, but on Monday, I was moving into my apartment, and we wouldn't be able to see each other in the middle of the night anymore. What would happen to us? What did he want? I was dying to know all the answers, but I was too nervous to ask the questions. David wasn't someone who liked being pushed. And maybe he didn't even know what he wanted yet.

I knew what I wanted—more. I'd gotten to the point where I wanted to be with David, not only at home, but out in the open. I wanted to make him happy, make him proud of me, make him see we had nothing to be ashamed of. I wanted him to include me in his life. Openly gay relationships were possible here—I saw them all the time. I knew how hard it would be for him, and I didn't for one second think I deserved it enough to ask for it, but some part of me had begun to hope he might offer.

Another part of me said don't be ridiculous, he told you flat out he wants a family, not a boyfriend. Even if he accepted me, I couldn't give him that. I couldn't work here legally, and if I overstayed my visa and got caught, I could be deported. Who in his right mind would look at a guy like me and see solid parenting material? Certainly not David. Half the time, I had no idea what he was doing with me.

But it was the best time I'd ever had, an unexpected gift. I didn't want it to end.

~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~

"On Friday morning, I woke to find a series of texts from David on my phone.

You work too hard. You deserve a break.

I'm taking you away this weekend. Pack a bag with your swimsuit, a nice outfit for a dinner, and something cool for today and tomorrow. We'll get you sunglasses on the way. (I don't know how you're living without them in Korea.) Be ready by 3:00.

And yes, I talked to Sowon and she gave you the weekend off. Consider it a paid vacation.

Yes, a paid vacation. Welcome to Korea.

I sat down on the guest room bed in a daze, my thoughts jumbled, my heart racing. Was this for real? He was taking me on a trip this weekend? Out in public? Where people would see us together? Where were we going?

And he'd told Sowon about it! What was she thinking? How had he described it? Did she suspect anything?

And what was this about a paid vacation? Was there really such a thing?

Confusion swirled, but more than anything, I was happy. Going away together seemed like a big step. He wouldn't be doing it if he didn't want things to continue, would he?