CATALYST

DAVID

     Travis came in the front door as we were going out. "I'm walking Joleen to her car," I said, avoiding eye contact with him.

      He nodded and held out his hand. "It was so nice to meet you, Joleen."

     "Same." She shook his hand and smiled brightly. "I hope to see you again."

      "You can go up to bed, Travis. I'll clean up tomorrow." Without giving him a chance to argue, I guided Joleen out the front door and yanked it shut behind us. Guilt had me taking her hand as I led her down the porch steps and front walk.

      "I had a great time tonight," she said. "I loved meeting your sister and your friends."

      "I'm glad."

      "And Travis is so interesting. It's so nice what you're doing for him."

      "It's nothing."

      When we reached her Audi, she let go of my hand and took out her keys. I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and stuck my hands in my pockets.

      "David," she said, and I could hear the puzzle in her voice, "is everything going okay for you? With us, I mean?"

     "Of course it is." I lied, but I lied for her sake. Okay, for both our sakes. But I didn't want to hurt her feelings with words that wouldn't make sense to her, and I didn't want to give up on myself yet. I could still beat whatever this was inside me. I knew I could. But not tonight. "I'm just tired."

      "Okay." She didn't sound sure of it. "I just want to make sure. Sometimes tonight it seemed like it was, but other times, it felt off. And I'm not rushing you or anything. I just don't want to waste your time—or mine. If this isn't going anywhere, I want to know."

      "I understand," I said quietly. Closing my eyes, I exhaled and offered her something closer to the truth. "I'm going through something right now, and I feel a little off. I get like this sometimes. Where I don't feel like myself."

      "Is it...depression?" she asked tentatively.

      "No. I don't think so. It's more like...anxiety or something. I get anxious about things and have to work them out before I can move on."

      "Oh." She smiled hopefully. "Can I help you in any way?"

      "You're sweet, but no. It's something I have to do on my own."

      "What do you do?" she asked, then she shook her head. "I'm sorry. You don't have to answer that. It's none of my business."

      "It's okay. There's no magic bullet or anything. I just try to step back and give it time. Make sure my priorities are straight. Re-evaluate my goals in life. Remind myself what's important."

     "I think everybody should step back and do that sometime. Myself included."

      "I can give you some space if you need it."

      "No. That's okay. I've thought about you a lot, David. And I've thought about what I want in a relationship a lot. I really like you, but I'm looking for a commitment. Not a ring or anything, but a commitment. Because that's what would make me happy, and I deserve to be happy." She smiled. "It took me three years of therapy to say that. How'd I do?"

      I smiled, although I felt horrible inside. "Great. And it's true. You deserve to be happy."

      "She grinned. "Thank you. It made me happy when you held my hand tonight at the table."

      "Good." Jesus fuck, I was a dick.

      "Night."

      "Night." She got into her car, and I watched her drive away before turning around and trudging up the sidewalk toward home. I felt like shit. I felt like a failure. I felt like everything I had planned for my life was slipping through my grasp, and it was my own fucking fault. I couldn't even blame Travis . I was struggling with myself long before I'd ever laid eyes on him. Being around him just made it worse.