CATALYST

TRAVIS

           I had no right to be angry. I knew that. Rationally, I knew that David had every right to say no to being with me and go on a date with Joleen. Or with anyone.

      But did he have to bring her here, where he knew I'd see them? Where I'd have to watch him pay her all the attention I wanted from him? Where I'd be forced to face the reality that he didn't want me enough to get over his fears? That I wasn't enough?

      There had to be a thousand restaurants in this city. Why did he have to choose the one where I worked?

      He'd done it on purpose, just to torture me. Why?

      I spent the entire evening being mad at him, and in turn at myself for being mad in the first place. It was a ridiculous, twisted circuit of anger that had my head throbbing by the end of the night. I spent a ridiculous amount of energy flirting with girls just to spite him. I hoped he saw.

      God, had I really thought he was going to choose me? That just because he let me suck him off in the kitchen or jerk me off in the dark I would matter to him? I'd only known him for three days! He'd spent like twenty years playing totally straight because he thought his attraction to guys was wrong. Had I really thought I would be the one to change that? His Catalyst? Maybe I'd been the one to finally tempt him enough to act on his closeted sexual impulses, but that didn't mean anything more than surface attraction. In the end, that's all I was to him—a hook-up. A Catalyst to his suppressed desires.

      And I didn't want to be his charity case. As soon as humanly possible, I was going to move out. I had my savings now, and I had a job making way better money than I'd ever made before. I might not have a Range Rover or a Rolex, but I had street smarts and survival skills, and I came from a long line of people who'd done what they had to do to get by. I didn't need anyone to hand me luxury on a fancy plate—I could earn it myself, and I would. First thing tomorrow, I'd find another place to live.

      I was silent and sullen on the ride back to David's, and Sowon took note.

      "Hey." She glanced at me. "You okay tonight?"

      "Yes."

      "You don't seem okay. I know Japanese aren't chatty by nature, but you're broody even for a Japanese tonight. And your aura is a little disturbed."

       "Is it?"

      "Yeah. It's dark. Very dark. I thought so when I picked you up today, but now I can really sense it."

      "Sorry." I tried to think of a light color, so maybe my aura wouldn't bother her.

      "Don't be sorry. Everyone is entitled to a dark aura now and again. But did something happen at work?"

      "No."

      After a minute or so of silence, she said, "Did you know David was bringing Joleen there tonight?"

      "No." I wondered what they were doing right now. Was he kissing her? Touching her? Fucking her? Jealousy spiked in me, unwelcome and unfamiliar. It's none of your business what they do.

      "She's so nice, but..." Her voice trailed off, but my ears perked up. "I don't know if they're right for each other. Something's off. It's like they're trying too hard."

      "Mmm."

        Sowon laughed. "Just sounds now, huh? Not even words?" She patted my leg. "You poor thing. I'll leave you alone."