CATALYST

DAVID

I was shattered.

Last night had ruined me.

Turning my desk chair to face the window, I looked out at downtown Seoul skyscrapers packed with offices and apartments. Streets congested with traffic. Block after block of businesses, stores, restaurants. Sidewalks full of people. How was it possible, in a city of millions, to feel so achingly alone?

But I did. I had for so long. Having Travis around for the weekend made me realize it. I'd forgotten how good it felt to have breakfast with someone. Run errands for someone. Kiss someone in the dark.

Having him there made my house less empty. It gave me purpose. It made me feel needed and useful and trusted. I couldn't stop thinking about that—Travis trusted me. Had I taken advantage of that last night? Had I used him in an attempt to answer some question about myself? And
now that I had my answer—now that I knew—could I walk away from it? Walk away from the one person in the entire world with whom I'd been my deepest, darkest, truest self? The one person I'd entrusted with my secret?

I was scared that I couldn't, and that fear gripped me as hard as the madness of wanting him. God, how I wanted him.

My stomach hollowed as I thought about last night. It had felt so good. So honest. So intense. I wanted nothing more than to do it again, and again, and again. To feel that closeness with him. To deepen it. Reveal more of myself and discover more of him. But at what price?

Was I really prepared to let go of my fantasy of the perfect life? A perfect family? Had I honestly done everything I could to make it happen? Was I ready to face the censure of my parents and colleagues and strangers and God and myself? Would that really make me happy? Then again, was I going to be happy married to someone I didn't feel passionate about? Living a life that required me to hide part of who I really was? Forever stifling whatever it was that had made me feel so fucking alive last night? Maybe that would be my punishment. My cross to bear.

At least I'd have a family.

But what about Travis?

Travis. So young, so full of life, so ready to take on the world. He had so much to offer and so much to learn. Mistakes to make and successes to celebrate. Personal goals to achieve. He was "still in that stage of life where all you thought about was sex, food, and getting ahead. I remembered it well, but it was long behind me.

He'd probably get tired of me sooner rather than later. He'd want to go to clubs and meet industry people and experience being a gorgeous twenty-something in Seoul, with their selfies and their Snapchats and their hashtags. I was closer to Thirty than twenty, I hadn't been to a club in years, and hashtags could #fuckrightoff. Other than Travis, I wouldn't even know how to talk to a twenty-something. What the hell did he see in me anyway? Me, with my grumpy and aloof self and early Saturday nights . He could have anybody.

And he certainly wouldn't be thinking about a family in the next few years. But I didn't want to be fifty and pushing a stroller around the neighborhood. How much longer was I going to wait? Travis had said he was willing to "see where this goes," but it didn't seem right to fuck with his feelings when I knew it couldn't go anywhere.

You can't have everything. It's either short term gratification or big picture goals. Make your choice.

Grimacing, I spun to face my desk again, picked up my phone and made a call.

"Hello?"

"Hey Joleen, it's David. How are you?"

"Good. How are you?"