Bad Habits - (Shouto x OC)

Never Better

A/N: almost to 50k reads! I'll post a little thing for you guys when we get there <3

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Shouto POV:

'You're just confused, Shouto.'

Lani's words hadn't stopped playing in my head for hours. Staring up at the ceiling of her apartment with a concussion gave me a lot of time to think, and I thought about a lot of things. Like how Lani's apartment is even quieter than my own, and how she really wasn't lying when she said she didn't have any food in her fridge. Then I thought about why she doesn't have any food in her fridge when she's the one who lives here. She does love to eat takeout, but still...

And then, I thought about our conversation from earlier this morning. The one we had right before I blacked out in her apartment—and then continued when I woke up in the hospital.

Lani said I was confused. And, well, I guess she's not wrong about that part. But, I think she's confused on what I'm confused about—and I think I'm confused about that as well. So...I guess that actually means she's.....right about my....confusion, but also....wrong (?)

The more I look back on it, the more I think...the source of the confusion is where Lani and I have different thoughts. Because she said I was confused when I tried to kiss her, and she said my concussion was the reason for making me want to in the first place.

But, how could that be true when the only reason I obtained the concussion was because I was thinking about kissing her?—with my head...intact?

It didn't really make sense, but a lot of things don't make sense to me. And when it comes to Lani, I really want to understand. I always want to know what she thinks, and I trust her when she tells me something.

I think....well, I think she could tell me something crazy, like the sky being green when its clearly blue. And even if, logically, it wouldn't make sense for the sky to be green, I'd find a way to believe her anyways. Like, maybe the grass reflects off the blue sky, and it creates a green hue across the atmosphere. Then it would be green. I'm getting off track...

What I'm trying to say—I...think(?)—is that when Lani says something, my brain can't help but think about it three times over. So, once she left the apartment for the day—before kissing my forehead, and touching my arm, and whispering little things into my ear—I decided to try and think about things from her perspective.

I'm not in her head, and I think differently than others. So it was hard. One of the harder things I challenged my brain to do. But, for her, I tried.

Her reasonings for not wanting me to kiss her were....um....the first—she said I would lose interest in her. But, then I thought...how can that happen when she's the only person I'm interested in?

Then she said I could find someone better than her. So, I thought again...how can that be when there is no better?

For once, my mind has an answer for all my questions. When it comes to Lani, it does. It comes more naturally than a lot of other things in my life, and when I think back to my thoughts of her over the past few days—well, actually, the last month, I realize that my body has been trying to tell my brain that I've thought these things about Lani for a long time.

I've always been able to acknowledge that she's attractive. Even when I believed it was just a fact that everyone thought, it was still me who thought it. And, from the moment the idea entered my head, I never questioned it, or found it confusing. She didn't leave any room for questions. Her face didn't, I guess.

She was pretty—that was a fact, and the proof is there when you just look at her.

But, it's more than just that, and the kiss with Elise taught me that last night. I feel more than just a biological response to Lani. Like how my chest feels like it's drowning when she's not near, and how I wish she was here right now just to talk to me. How I want her attention on me, I want it only on me and no one else. And how concerned I felt when there was another man in her apartment—I still need to do a background check on him, by the way—and...and....