𝔗𝔥𝔦𝔰 𝔪𝔲𝔰𝔱 𝔟𝔢 𝔴𝔯𝔬𝔫𝔤 (𝔉𝔶𝔬𝔩𝔞𝔦)

3: ℭ𝔬𝔫𝔣𝔢𝔰𝔰𝔦𝔬𝔫

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 "The least you could do is explain where we're going." Fyodor whispered as the two of them walked through the halls. "But it's no fun that way!" Nikolai responded, not even bothering to lower his voice. His hand was still tightly clasped around Fyodor's as he led him along. Fyodor was only more curious when they came to a door that was off limits to students. He had no idea what was behind it, as he wasn't really one to break rules. Nikolai on the other hand... "Watch this." He grinned, taking what looked like two thin slivers of metal from his pockets. He inserted them into the door's lock, which moments later clicked open. "You can lock-pick?" Fyodor asked, genuinely surprised. "I don't tell you everything."

 The door led to the outside of the main building, a small stone staircase curving it's way around the turret it was attached to. They began to ascend the stairs, neither of them speaking a word. It was strangely peaceful, despite the nagging voice in the back of Fyodor's mind yelling at him, telling him this could only end badly. But all doubt in his mind was forgotten when they reached the top. He let out a gap as he saw the beautiful view laid out before him. The sky just beginning to be streaked with color, casting a faint glow across the dewy field surrounding the school. It looked like something from a dream. 

 He stood wide-eyed until he noticed Nikolai staring at him. "It's...very nice." Nikolai hummed softly as leaned against the railing. "I guess I owe you an explanation now." He looked out over the grounds, a gentle smile on his face. "I wanted to watch the sunrise with you. And I figured if I dragged you all the way up here first, you'd have a harder time saying no." He added with a giggle that made Fyodor's heart skip a beat.

 At first, Fyodor didn't know how to respond. Of course he wanted to stay here with Nikolai. But on the other hand, could he really be left alone with him for that long? He had always been capable of keeping his desires under control, but with Nikolai it was different. It felt like anything he did could fluster him to the point of breaking. Though if Fyodor really was unable to stay away from him, he should learn to control his urges, right? "I suppose it wouldn't hurt."

 For a genius, he was really quite stupid.

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 Nikolai jumped with glee, feeling quite proud of himself for accomplishing his goal. He sat down and motioned for Fyodor to join him. Once they had settled Nikolai spoke up again. "I keep thinking..." He started, staring out into the sunrise. "About how you're going to graduate before me. I don't know what I'm going to do when you're gone..." "You act like i'm going to die" Fyodor responded, humor evident in his tone. "I'm sure we'll keep in touch." Nikolai didn't respond.

 Fyodor let out a soft sigh as he joined Nikolai in staring at the sunset. Finding it hard to keep his eyes from drifting to the other. It wasn't often that he thought about his impending graduation, but he would be lying if he said it didn't now bring a sense of sorrow to his heart. So instead he tried to distract himself, admiring all the tones of pink and orange the sun was slowly bringing with itself. How it's rays brought warmth to his cold skin. How beautifully it seemed to halo around Nikolai's pure white hair, and how it made his skin glow almost golden. How it made his eyes glisten like tiny galaxies. How he looked like an angel... And god, he really was ethereal. 

Then again, he thought. Even Lucifer is beautiful.

 Nikolai must have noticed him staring as he turned to him with a curious expression. "Is something wrong?" He asked. Fyodor froze, realizing he had been caught and quickly turned away. "It's nothing." He lied, bringing his knees up to his chest. Nikolai frowned, scooting closer to him. He laid his head on Fyodor's shoulder, causing him to jump slightly. "I know you're lying to me Fedya." Fyodor was silent for a moment. "This is wrong." He whispered, before continuing. "This is all wrong. I shouldn't have agreed to come here in the first place." He nudged Nikolai off of his shoulder and stood up, causing the other to let out a yelp of surprise. "Why do you feel the need to constantly toy with my feelings Kolya? You know how I feel about you." Something in Nikolai's expression changed, it was as though the light in his eyes had suddenly been extinguished. "I'm not sure I do..." He mumbled.

 "I love you Kolya." He admitted, voice shaking as he said it. "But it's wrong, the love I have for you, it's one that should only be shared between a man and woman. This love...it's a sin, and it's festered in my heart for too long now. You don't know the amount of times I've prayed, begged to God for these feelings to go away but they don't. I thought-" "I know." Those two words were enough to make him fall silent. "What?" Fyodor turned to him, his eyes wide and beginning to brim with tears. "I said I know. Because I've felt that same guilt, that same sickening churning in my stomach. The same devastating feeling when I realized that...I wasn't someone who God could love." "Then what changed?" He asked. "I realized something." Nikolai answered. "If God hates me, if my devotion means nothing to him, I shouldn't bother giving it to him."

 "You don't know what you're asking..." Fyodor whispered. Though he was starting to get the feeling that Nikolai in fact did. "How could I abandon God?" Nikolai just shook his head. He got up from the cold stone floor and took Fyodor's freezing hands in his own, staring deep into his eyes. "I love you Fedya. Even if God himself doesn't. Even if he will stand by and watch you burn in anguish, I won't. I can't." Fyodor stared back into Nikolai's eyes not saying a word, though words weren't needed. Nikolai understood.

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